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So, he popped the question! You lucky girl, you. Before you dive into wedding planning, take some advice from the experts. We asked the people who know the industry best what to avoid if you’re walking down the aisle this year.


“The family-style, DIY meal served from a food truck is just too much. If I find myself at one more wedding purchasing, paying for, and then carrying two pounds of onions, three pounds of potatoes, a head of garlic, two tablespoons chili powder, and salt to taste back to a picnic table where I have to then prepare and serve my own food to the bride’s relatives, I’m going to scream.”

—Blumega Voltair, founder, NYC-based event studio Swept Away Bridal

“Enough with the mandatory Crocs for everyone on the guest list. I was a fan of this whimsical touch when I started seeing it at wetlands-inspired nuptials a couple years ago, but it’s run its course.”

—Lars Schrupfbuhler and Anja Smeg-Von Bjurn, wedding planners “to the stars”

“This year saw the rise of combination wedding-Taco Bells. It was delicious while it lasted but it was a flash in the pan.”

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—Curlie Blurtie, owner, L.A.-based event design collective (and industrial meat distributors) Your Big Day Events

“I don’t think I’ll ever tire of the classic ‘Dust Bowl’ theme, but it’s time to retire kerosene-based cocktails. It’s exhausting convincing brides that kerosene—and all petroleum products, by the way—is poisonous.”

—Natalie “Punch” Hanson-Wallace-Timona-Blart, studio owner, Punch Me Events

“I’m sorry, what is this about?”

—Emma Carmichael, Editor in Chief, Jezebel.com

“I’d love to see the trend of severed fox-head garlands go by the wayside in 2017. There’s a big difference between a tradition and a cliché, and this has officially entered cliché territory!”

—Lillette Bor-Callen, stylist, Burn It to the Ground Bridal

“My main bugaboo is how it’s become practically mandatory for the ‘boho’ bride to get married standing in an oil drum full of her own menstrual blood.”

—Phonetta Glucose, celebrity event planner

“Your bouquet needs to represent you, not Pinterest. That site is an amazing tool for brides, but remember that it’s your day to really let your personality shine. Just because every other bride is carrying a bouquet of chicken bones and Mongolian felt doesn’t mean you have to!”

—Sarge

“I find it really sweet when brides have their hearts set on Celtic Reconstructionist rites of spring, but if the hawthorn boughs aren’t in bloom, it can come off as a little inauthentic. 2017 is going to be all about avoiding syncretism and embracing the deities of the wells.”

—Eric, customer service rep, 1-800-CONTACTS

“That I and most Americans have no idea whether our taxes are accurate tells us something.”

—Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense

“I wouldn’t be sad to see the tradition of making one’s bridesmaids Hunger Games each other fall out of fashion. It’s charming but there’s so much cleanup. It’s impractical.”

—Nancy Essig, my late maternal grandmother, speaking from beyond the grave

“The wretched shall perish from the Earth in 2017. May the gods have mercy upon those who cross me.”

-Zorwag, High Priest of Darkness

“Enough with the mason jars!”

—Name withheld, local pedophile