Philly Has a Street Harasser Who Drapes His Dick in Swiss Cheese

A man in Philadelphia (because of course a man in Philadelphia) has apparently taken serial street harassment (and the phrase “dick cheese”) to a whole new level grossness by applying slices of Swiss cheese to his exposed penis and asking women to perform various sex acts. On his cheese-adorned penis.

Why else but to chronicle the bizarre sex crimes of people all across these United States do local news outlets exist? According to the Daily News, police are investigating reports of a man in the Mayfair neighborhood in Philadelphia known as the “Swiss Cheese Pervert.” And just how, you ask, did the aforementioned cheese smotherer earn such an nickname? By ruining Swiss cheese for a bunch of Philadelphia-area women:

The Mayfair Town Watch reported yesterday on its Facebook page that the “Swiss Cheese Pervert” has been terrorizing neighborhood women.

According to the group, the suspect, a heavyset white man estimated to be in his late 40s or early 50s, approaches women while driving a silver or black sedan with his genitals exposed. He then displays a piece of sliced Swiss cheese and offers to pay the women to put the cheese on his penis and perform sexual acts on him using it.

“I understand that people may think this is funny, but this is no laughing matter,” said Milt Martelack, the town watch’s senior adviser. “We’ve had a couple individuals reach out to us. We’re taking this matter very seriously, and we’re working vigorously with police to get this guy off the streets.”

Gross, gross, gross. Martelack’s point about the temptation to simply laugh this incident off is well-taken — street harassment, particularly for women, is completely awful, no matter what absurd forms it takes. Without a slightly distracting slice of cheese, a story about a guy who drives around waving his dick at strangers would seem more aggressive and insidious. People can make fun of a guy called the “Swiss Cheese Pervert,” because, well, of course they can, but seeing some random dude dangle slices of deli cheeses over his genitals sounds like a not-too hilarious spectacle to witness alone at night when you’re just making your way through the world, not even considering how some people feel compelled to harass complete strangers.