If you thought the NSA scandal was a disturbing reminder of the reality that we live in a world where fallible humans have access to virtually limitless power, wait until you hear about the latest military scandal. Turns out, under our very noses, a top official at West Point has been using his position to obtain all sorts of of perks including — ready for this? — cat care for his friends. It's like Watergate and the Teapot Dome Scandal had a fuckbaby.
The entire sordid affair is detailed in a hilariously-headlined piece on TPM ("Pentagon: Top West Point Official 'Misused His Position to Obtain Cat Care'" Yes yes yes yes yesyesyes DAY MADE this is better than the Yeezus leak). According to a Pentagon report, West Point superintendent Lt. General David Huntoon had his subordinates perform all sorts of tasks — driving lessons, charity dinner servitude, and other outside-of-the-line-of-duty work — for pay well below market labor rates. In addition, there's this troubling tidbit:
For example, the report says Huntoon misused his position to get cat-feeding help for a friend, but it was unclear who was feeding the cats and who the friend was.
Is nothing sacred? Has no one any shame? WHAT KIND OF A WIMPY-ASS GENERAL IS FRIENDS WITH A CAT OWNER THIS IS AMERICA NOT FRANCE!!!!!1
We may, in fact, never know for sure to whom the cat belongs or whether the cat has a cool name like Meowskowitz or Cat-erine Hepburn or a stupid name like Mittens or Feline Groovy, because TPM reports that much of the report was redacted before it reached the media's greedy ink-stained paws. But what we do know is that Huntoon has served in the military for 40 years and was planning on retiring from West Point this summer, his career now indelibly stained with Fancy Feast juice.
But look on the bright side: top brass may be shamelessly extorting cat care from subordinates, but at least this story out of the military doesn't involve anyone getting raped. Can I get a high five!?