Pat Robertson, Shaved Ewok, Says 'Homosexuals Can Change'

Pat Robertson went on television this week and lamented the terrible, terrible persecution of anti-gay pastors and gay conversion therapists—comparing gay people to rapists, murderers, and thieves (all of whom, according to Robertson, can “change”).

Sounding off on news that former Ecuadorian presidential candidate Nelson Zavala was banned from political activity after making a series of controversial commentsabout the gay community, Robertson noted, “That man’s freedom of speech is being taken away … the power of God can change people’s orientation.”

He then added, “A murderer can change, a rapist can change, a thief can change. That’s what the Gospel is all about,” Right Wing Watch first reported.

As the BBC pointed out, Zavala said that gay people can be “cured,” and suffered from “severe deviation of conduct.”

Ohhhhhhhhh, yes, won’t somebody please think of the evangelical pastors who are just trying to brainwash and shame gay children into sexual compliance and/or suicide!? All this talk of “hate crimes” is just not fair. Why do those selfish gays think they deserve special rights, such as the right to not be rejected and abused by their families, or the right to not be literally murdered on a South African reeducation ranch? Straight people would face those exact same consequences, you know, if they started doing gross gay stuff! It’s called justice! And anyway, WHAT OF THE FEE FEES OF JESUS?

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Is it out of line for me to say, “Why isn’t Pat Robertson dead yet?” I don’t mean physically dead, of course—I mean ideologically dead and gone and disappeared. (Sidenote: I also do mean physically dead. Or, at least, preemptively erased from existence via time travel and some sort of humane wizardry.) Statistically speaking, based on all of the plagues and hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis that Robertson claims have been caused by gay-on-gay butt-touching, the dude should at least be a little water-logged at this point. No? Still going strong? Agitating for the deaths of gay children on national television with zero repercussions? ‘Kay.

Pat Robertson, you horrid garbage elf, I award you zero yub-nubs, and may literally no one have mercy on your soul.