Pastor's Epic Rant: Girl Scout Cookies Turn The Children Into Lesbians

In addition to promoting team building, life skill acquiring, and adorable little girls in adorable matching uniforms photo ops, the Girl Scouts of America have long had a much more insidious agenda: promoting lesbianism. At least, if you ask a right-wing pastor who went on an epic, hilariously whackadoodle rant against the GSA and their delicious cookies on a talk radio show earlier this week.

Kevin Swanson, who has an incredibly punchable voice, took to the airwaves to warn fellow Christians that every time they buy Girl Scout cookies, they're promoting all sorts of social ills — Planned Parenthood, abortion, and, curiously, lesbianism (even though if all the kids became lesbians, they'd probably need fewer abortions. Unless Pastor Kevin Swanson doesn't understand lesbian sex or human reproduction.) Here's most of it, via Salon and the poor, tired but amazing folks at Right Wing Watch and transcribed, with great pain and elaborate wincing, by me:

The individualism of feminism has been devastating to this country. Dave, I'd say you outta say no to the Girl Scout Cookies, too. I mean, I don't wanna support lesbianism. I don't wanna support Planned Parenthood, and I don't wanna support abortion. And if that be the case, I'm not buying Girl Scout Cookies. Now, I spose if you take a big fat black magic marker and say here, give me that box, and you start marking out all of the references to the Girl Scouts of America on all of the boxes, then maybe we're not promoting that organization anymore. And I'd be willing to buy it. Maybe so. Maybe it's not food offered to idols anymore if I have the opportunity to scratch out references to the Girl Scouts of America on the boxes of the Girl Scout Cookies offered to me at Safeway. [...]

I don't wanna promote a wicked organization that, according to its own website, doesn't promote godly womanhood. It just doesn't! I don't see anything that promotes godly womanhood! The vision of the Girl Scouts of America is antithetical to a Biblical vision for womanhood, friends. [...]

Please, I beg of you. Do not buy Girl Scout Cookies. Please! I beg of you! Stop buying Girl Scout Cookies. And if you do, take a big black magic marker and cross out every reference to Girl Scouts of America on all the signs and all the boxes, because we don't wanna promote that organization.

Lesbianism? Abortions? Unbiblical womanhood? Oh, my! Basically, Thin Mints are like taking Holy Communion... from Satan.

Advertisement

Minor side note: does Pastor Kevin Swanson not understand that the main way that the purchase of Girl Scout cookies supports the Girl Scouts and their insidious made up mission of turning America's rosy-cheeked kids into magical lesbians who can get each other pregnant is... uh... money? You're doing about as much harm to the Girl Scouts by buying their cookies and drawing big black crosses all over the Tagalongs box as you'd do to Red Lobster by ordering 10 lobsters, bedazzling them, and throwing them away.

[Salon]