Paris Hilton Has Won an Award for Best New Female DJ

No, you didn’t read that wrong: Paris Hilton can spin records right round like, well, records, baby, and now she’s got a shiny new award to prove it, after winning French radio station NRJ’s “Female Newcomer of the Year.”

For those of you not in the know, Paris Hilton has had a long and storied history in music. On The Simple Life, she and Nicole Richie (also very musically gifted) often made up beautiful songs and even sang along with Kesha at one point. And of course, sometime in the mid 2000s, Hilton even released an album which I enjoyed unironically and which many others only enjoyed until they learned that the singer was Paris Hilton, at which point they’d stop humming along and get angry about being tricked into listening.

Also, I once went to a strip club on Thanksgiving (because my brother thought it would be a good way for us to bond) and Paris’s album was on heavy rotation the entire night and that was the best part of the experience except for the part where an exotic dancer stuffed my entire face into her butt and I didn’t understand what was going on.

Anyway. None of that is important now. What’s important is that Paris Hilton is the hottest new DJ of the year and is finally out in the real world, “doing a real job” and “not depending on her inheritance for money.” Paris Hilton is all growed up. Paris Hilton no longer has to eat Cup-of-Noodles for lunch and dinner every day (nothing for breakfast), because she’s finally made it. Paris Hilton now has an NRJ award! Wait, what’s an NRJ award again? Deadmau5, one of the world’s most famous DJs, is not impressed.