Peter Walters of Pendleton, Oregon is furious. Last week, his fair city passed an amendment which bans marijuana odor, citing it as a nuisance. That’s fine and all, but Walters is concerned that the city isn’t doing enough to curb another important problem: Gross farts that cover Pendleton like a cloud of feces-spotted mustard gas.

This letter, which Walters submitted to The East Oregonian as a plea for help, is clearly satire, but it’s also fucking hilarious because goddamnit, Oregon, marijuana smell? That is a good-ass city you have there that this is the most pressing issue of your time. Does anyone live near Pendleton, Oregon because it sounds like a place I could move to and raise my guinea pigs in a safe environment, provided they do something about this fart issue that Walters is upset about.

From his letter:

While farting may be legal in Oregon, many (including myself) are offended by the flatulent stench. Too often, homeowners and businesses fail to contain farts to their property, forcing the rest of us to put up with the smell. Some habitual farters argue that they need to fart for medical reasons but that doesn’t mean my kids should have to smell their farts. The city council should stop looking the other way and pretending not to notice.

Yes! Kids having to smell farts? How will you explain that to them? Homosexuality and people on leashes I get, but how do you explain to a small frightened child that has just been crop-dusted on the bus by a stranger that sometimes people have gas and that sometimes, just sometimes, that gas is expelled through their anus, covering their entire immediate area with both the song and scent of their inner turmoil.

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One time, when I was very young and did not know that a) farting was okay (in the privacy of your own home only) and that b) it is actually so fucking enjoyable that I am upset when my partner leaves for work late because it cuts into my farting time someone farted on me and I literally could not be consoled because I thought I was covered by the essence of my friend Jukey’s butthole. She, of course, claimed that it was I who had farted and was also unconsolable until her mother had to take us both aside and explain that farting was natural. I think that changed our friendship forever and I would hate to think of other children going through the same horror. (Also, one time I accidentally ate the hot chili pepper in the Mongolian beef and threw up in the middle of a Chinese restaurant and then Jukey threw up in sympathy, so we have some weird history.)

And then there’s this:

This issue greatly affects me as I have a roommate whose recreational farting has been negatively affecting my quality of life for several months now. He claims that he is taking steps to mitigate the odor after I contacted the authorities. But unless our elected officials add farts to Pendleton’s nuisance code, it’s as if he who smelt it, dealt it. I call on our city council to set aside all other work and address this problem.

Yes! You either deal with all odors equally or you risk turning your city into a flatulence-plagued Gotham run by The Joker’s whoopie cushion of death. Think I’m overreacting? I was on a plane recently and someone farted so hard I literally gagged and my eyes watered. That is offensive and it is harassment and I applaud Peter Walters for taking a stand against the evil overlords of his town.

Also, the comments are very confused about the letter:

I am really trying hard to wrap my brain around this. I am an open-minded person and I am struggling to comprehend this issue going before a city council, much less spending money and time considering it. Flatulence is involuntary for some people, i.e. babies, children, elderly, and in some illnesses. It is a necessary function of the body.Actually, now I’m wondering why I just responded to this issue. It’s like watching a movie that’s so ridiculous that you feel dumber afterwards. Just sayin’.

And:

when you are in public, you need to cope with the public.....or stay in your house.

And:

You people are nit picking a bodily function! For heaven sakes get over that silliness. Moving the Pendleton Round Up hahaha NEVER. I LOVE THE SMELL OF ANIMAL FARTS! This is cowboy country....... farming agricultural etc...... move on to a wild flower town.

Also, someone thought that the authorities were going to use force against farters because this is literally Pendleton’s biggest issue right now:

They have just as much “legal authority” to levy force of arms against farts as they do against any other of the blessings of liberty that are secured to conventions of the People at the federal level of this CIVIL form of constitutional government. ALL these outlaws do is levy war on the people.

But this? This is the realest comment in the game right now:

Being with a guy that has Chrons Disease, has taught me that there is no smell more offensive than his @$$ when he is having a flare up!! Id much rather smell MARIJUANA than his RANK @$$ anyday!! lmao

Same.


Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.