Oh Dear God, People Are Worried Nicolas Cage Will Cause the Rapture

The filmmakers behind a reboot of the Left Behind franchise recently faced some tough questions during a Facebook Q&A with fans who are worried that before they get a chance to see movie star Nicolas Cage in the new film—WAIT FOR IT—an actual rapture might occur.

Sorry for all that coffee you just spit out on your laptop when you read that.

For those that don’t know, Left Behind is a series of books about how all of us whiskey-swilling, whore-pill taking, non-churchy types are going to get “left behind” to rot here on Earth while all the nice Jesus-loving folks get swooped up to Heaven when the Rapture comes. The Rapture is basically like Jesus telling everybody in the bar that there’s this other really awesome party at his friend’s house on the beach in Malibu, except he makes you promise not to tell your two drunk friends who’ve been yelling out quotes from Doctor Who all night.

The books were already made into a highly popular group of films with America’s Least Sinful Actor Ever, Kirk Cameron. Last year, Cage was cast in a planned reboot of the series, and the first film is currently in production. No word yet on how devastated Cameron was to be ousted as the face of the franchise. Poor dude. He is like the Michael Keaton of apocalyptic-themed religious movies.

BTW, you know your career is really in a special place when you are re-making Kirk fucking Cameron movies. Next up, Ryan Reynolds in the reboot of Fireproof! (I’m telling you, right now, Ryan Reynolds’ agent just read that sentence and is scrambling to make phone calls: Ryan! Baby! Finally found you a franchise I think you could carry!)

Anyway, it turns out some people think it’s not right for the filmmakers of the Left Behind reboot to cast an actor who doesn’t have faith (WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS.) “Are the cast including Nicolas Cage saved by the blood of Jesus?” asked one person during the Q&A. “Why Nicholas Cage?” asked another Facebook commenter. “He is not a believer.” Whoa sick burn, dude.

Cage has kept mum for years about his religious beliefs, although INTERJECT WILD UNFOUNDED HOLLYWOOD RUMORS HERE there has been speculation that he is either a Scientologist (he was once married to now ex-Church of Scientology member Lisa Marie Presley) or a Roman Catholic. I’m going to go ahead and further speculate wildly that Cage is actually a Pastafarian, because why the hell not!

TL/DR; there’s some die-hard Left Behind fans who probably don’t want someone who possibly believes that Xenu is waiting for our ancient alien souls to ascend into a higher plane to be the face of their precious movie about the ascension of righteous Christian souls into Heaven. OK, understandable!

During the Facebook Q&A, producer and writer Paul Lalonde, a veteran of the first round of Left Behind films, basically told fans that Cage’s faith was a private matter; thank you very much.

Moving on. According to an article in the Christian Post, “some fans also expressed concern that an actual rapture could take place before the film’s 2014 release.” That sentence was written in a legitimate news publication.

Another apparent concern among some of those anticipating the 2014
release of the film was whether the actual rapture, the spiriting of
Christians from Earth before the world’s cataclysmic end (read about the theories here), might occur before the film hits theaters.

“If
we get raptured before this is released, well, I’d be ecstatic, but I’d
be really upset for not getting to see this movie!!!!!!!!” wrote one
excited fan.

Sort of like a double-edged sword, then. LaLonde also told fans in the same
Q&A that reaching actors to be in the film was “hard.” LOL LOL LOL
AT THAT PHONE CALL:

Yes, hello, Brad Pitt? Would you like to be in a reboot of a Kirk Cameron movie about how everyone is going to get left behind before the End Times herald in the dawn of the Anti-Christ? Hello? Hellooooooo?

The film also stars Chad Michael Murray (YES!), Jordin Sparks (playing a character named “Shasta”) and Lea Thompson. Of course nobody is talking about how Lea Thompson is going to mess up the Rapture because PATRIARCHY. Obviously.

The film does not have an official release date yet, but I assure you when this movie is put out into one of America’s fine cinema theaters, I will be there to witness it in all it’s hot, holy glory. Unless, you know, I’ve been Raptured or something.