Piers Morgan, one of those big, painful pimples that is definitely going to leave a scar, has offered his opinions on Steve Harvey’s Miss Universe debacle. And yes, I do recognize that the rest of this post will require us to suspend our normal grasp on reality and pretend that anybody gives a shit about what Piers Morgan thinks.

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In a truly awful article, Piers lays out his incredibly stupid argument for why Miss Colombia and Miss Philippines sharing the Miss Universe title is the ONLY fair solution.

Morgan repeatedly refers to the incident as “cruel,” showing off the flair for the incorrectly dramatic that got him fired from CNN. “Cruel” is not the right word for things, although I’m far from a Steve Harvey apologist; clearly the man just fucked up. I don’t think Steve Harvey was off plotting some elaborate revenge fantasy against the entire nation of Colombia and finally put the wheels in motion when he landed the job as pageant host.

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Look at how Piers Morgan describes the pageant:

This is the moment they will have dreamed of their entire lives; the chance to be proclaimed the most beautiful woman not just on Planet Earth, but the entire Universe.

Well, no, I don’t think these women are complete idiots; I don’t think they actually believe that winning this pageant makes them the most beautiful woman in the universe—nor does anyone else. (Besides, everyone already knows that People has the official vote on the world’s most beautiful people. Only a fool wouldn’t know that.)

This hat-maker’s nightmare spends about 80 percent of the piece painstakingly detailing what happened, as if anyone would rather read Morgan’s excruciating writing over watching it on YouTube.

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‘I take full responsibility for my mistake,’ said Harvey, by now engulfed in so much sweat he looked like he was drowning in his own humiliation.

‘It’s my mistake,’ he admitted, mainly because it was impossible to actually blame anyone else.

‘Still a great night!’ he blurted.

Was it Steve?

Was any part of this now a ‘great night’?

Or was it now the most horrifying, horrendous, toe-curling night in the history of beauty pageants?

Hey, Piers, I have a question.

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Why do you write like this?

Is it simply a mask?

Are you trying to hide?

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Is this a ruse to conceal the fact that you don’t know how to write paragraphs?

Or are you simply trying to make your article appear longer?

I have some tricks from college using creative punctuation sizing that I think could be helpful and less painful for your readers.

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In case you’re still unclear on the story of Steve Harvey reading the incorrect name and awarding the Miss Universe crown to the wrong woman, let Piers Morgan explain it to you in a laborious metaphor:

To put this into perspective, imagine taking a microphone at a party, any party, and announcing to everyone at that party the name of the most beautiful woman in the room.

Then imagine asking that woman to step forward and have a crowd put on her head.

Then imagine, two minutes later, telling that woman you made a terrible mistake and she’s not the most beautiful woman in the room after all.

Then imagine wrestling the crown from her head and placing it on the head of another woman.

Then imagine how you’ve made that first woman feel.

That’s what Steve Harvey did to Ariadna Gutierrez last night, and it’s unforgivable.

It’s funny how Piers Morgan’s metaphor is almost just an exact rundown of what happened in real life.

The moment we’ve been slogging towards finally arrives when Morgan suggests that we simply undermine the win of Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach so that the sterling reputation of the Miss Universe pageant stays intact.

The only way to even half repair the damage created by Harvey’s monumental cock-up is, as the event’s former owner Donald Trump suggested on the Today Show this morning, for this year’s Miss Universe title to be shared between Miss Philippines and Miss Colombia..

It may not be the technically correct thing to do, but it’s the right and fair thing to do.

Otherwise Miss Universe will be forever known as the contest which realises, then kills young women’s dreams.

And that’s a despicable slogan no beauty pageant can survive.

Yeah, no. Making Miss Philippines share the crown is not the right or fair thing to do. This was not some sort of tallying mishap or rule-breaking scandal. This was Steve Harvey’s inability to read the correct name from a piece of paper. Miss Colombia, while lovely, did not win.

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The problem here was that Steve Harvey read the wrong name. The solution to the problem was correcting himself and reading the real winner’s name. The problem has already been solved.

I want to give a heads-up to the nation of the Philippines that this jackass is out here trying to speak for you:

I bet not, Piers! But an always safe bet is that the entire world would like you to shut up now.


Contact the author at kara.brown@jezebel.com .

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Image via Angela Weiss/Getty.