No, These Stupid Cookies Will Not Make Your Boobs Bigger

When I was very young, I read Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume. There’s a wonderful scene in that book where girls practice a special exercise accompanied by a ridiculously glorious chant.

You all know the scene from the book I’m talking about:

“What kind of exercise?” Gretchen asked.

“Like this,” Nancy said. She made fists, bent her arms at the elbow and moved them back and forth, sticking her chest way out. She said, “I must — I must — I must increase my bust.” She said it over and over. We copied her movements and chanted with her. “We must – we must – we must increase our bust!”

“Good,” Nancy told us. “Do it thirty-five times a day and I promise you’ll see the results.”

Nancy’s way seemed pretty foolproof at the time, even if it was utterly embarrassing. But LUCKY US a Japanese company says you don’t need to waste your time with such stupid boob increasing exercises. Forget all that plastic surgery you were embezzling your boss to pay for! Turns out—-there’s a cookie for that. Via Fox News.

Available in two flavors – Soy Milk or Pralines and Chocolate – each F-Cup cookie contains 50 mg of the hormonal extract. The F-Cup cookie website recommends eating one or two a day with plenty of water. It cautions that women with pre-existing medical conditions affecting the ovaries, breasts or uterus should avoid consumption.

Sounds completely legit! said no one ever.

Below, I have compiled for you the exact reaction to this story from various scientists—all highly acclaimed in their field. I did not filter their words or do any editing, so please excuse the crudeness and possible typos here. They were rather exuberant in their responses. (Plus, guess which one these respondents has a Nobel prize!)

No.
Absolutely not.
Bullshit.
Double bullshit.
HAHAHAHAHHA OMG NOPE
Not in a million years.
Triple Dog Bullshit.
Seriously? Are you still reading this? Why? This fucking thing is total bullshit. Do you really believe this? Really? OK then. I have a rabbit who can sing Broadway show tunes like Patti Lupone. Fuzzy Lopsy Bunny Wunny could make you a bundle. Her career’s about to take off. I swear. So just leave $80,000 in a shoebox under the window seat of the third row in the #189 bus. I will deliver the magical singing rabbit to you at the strike of midnight on the during the next new moon. RICHES WILL BEFALL YOU I SWEAR.
HAHAHAHHA OMG I think I have an aunt who got drunk once and tried to convince my mom that if she ate her brownies she would get huge boobs. But the brownies were laced with pot and my mom just got really high and ended up getting arrested in a zoo for climbing into the walrus enclosure and singing “Break on Through” all night.
OH SHIT you’re still here, telling people you think this crap might be true. *SIGH* OK. Here are my car keys. I’m going to jiggle them in front of you for the next two hours. Aren’t they pretty? You just tell me which one of the keys you want to be your best buddy and I’ll let you sleep with him during nappy nap time!