Nipple Tattoos Exist Because Your Tits Will Never Be Good EnoughS

Ever since inventing cellulite, we as a society have been immensely prolific in fabricating bullshit flaws with the female body, as well as expensive and painful procedures to correct those flaws. Buoyed on by the success of "back scooping" and butt implants, we've finally made it to the final frontier of asinine hyper-criticality: the nipples.

According to The Telegraph, nipple tattooing (or "tittooing," as it's been affectionally nicknamed) is a phenomenon that's been taking Liverpool and Essex by storm. It's "a cosmetic procedure for women to darken, enlarge and define their nipples and the surrounding areola." Because the nipples you were born with are ugly and weird and probably ruining your life.

Gail Proudman, a clinician who tattoos the nipples of over three women a week, explains that women want darker nipples because "they are conscious of them being pale and they think it's fashionable to have dark nipples." She recites a litany of places that women can be put to shame by their tiny, wan, freakish nipples: in the changing room, during massages, while spray tanning (because, although it's ostensibly okay to reveal your pale, yet-to-be-painted flesh to a spray tan technician, allowing her a single glance of your pasty areolae might emotionally traumatize you).

Michelle, a 32-year-old woman interviewed in the article, was ecstatic with her "tittoo" results:

It was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I know my boobs aren’t on show but it has still given me so much more confidence. My new nipples are better than any natural ones I could have had. When I go swimming now I’m not self-conscious about my nipples showing through my bikini. With my partner I didn’t want to take my bra off before but now that’s gone, so our relationship is better. I feel more out-going and more content in my body.

Her discomfort with the natural appearance of her nipples was so severe that it limited her ability to enjoy everyday activities — how is that even mildly acceptable? It's really telling that some women have internalized the impetus to criticize their own bodies to the extent that they'd elect to undergo this ridiculous procedure, which takes two hours and can cost up to £1,200. While I understand that every woman has the right to do whatever she wants to her body, it's clear that the line of thinking that brought nipple tattoos into existence equates a woman's self worth with her ability to match up to impossible standards of beauty.

In the words of Danielle Price, an Essex-based technician, "It's quite sad, really."

"Nipple tattooing sweeps UK as women strive for 'perfect boobs'" [The Telegraph]

Image via Dirk Ott/Shutterstock.