New Dumb Theory: Huma Stays With Anthony Weiner Because Islam

There sure have been a lot of newly minted Islam experts popping up in the past week — and in the places you'd least expect them. Fox News, the woman at the New York Times whose classical Greek references have devolved from incisive to dodderingly inscrutable, and several typically myopic conservative news outlets are suddenly teeming with insight into the Muslim female psyche. They're so plugged in, so studied, that they can state with confidence exactly why Huma Abedin is staying with her husband, Anthony Weiner, the Thomas Jefferson of sexting. Because Islam.

Let's start with Maureen Dowd's most recent column in the Sunday Times, which contains one of the most cringe-inducing non-Fox Nation lede sentences in recent memory,

WHEN you puzzle over why the elegant Huma Abedin is propping up the eel-like Anthony Weiner, you must remember one thing: Huma was raised in Saudi Arabia, where women are treated worse by men than anywhere else on the planet.

Spit take. What? Reading this made me feel like I was at the point in a wine-soaked dinner out with my imaginary racist great aunt when she starts complaining about The Orientals.

Dowd goes on to lavish praise on Abedin's elegance and poise and efficacy, but not every self-anointed Islam/psychology/Huma Abedin's personal feelings expert is as complimentary. Brooke Goldstein, a commentator on a panel on Sean Hannity's show this weekend (subtly called SAVING AMERICA) helpfully reminded viewers that Huma Abedin has ties to the Muslim Brotherhood.

BROOKE GOLDSTEIN: OK. What’s amazing to me is that we’re spending time debating Schmeckle-gate, OK? When Huma Abedin, who has connections to the Muslim Brotherhood, who was connected to the chief financier of al-Qaeda, is his wife and has top security clearance.

SEAN HANNITY: She has a great point.

Monica Crowley agreed. Great point, Brooke. Goldstein would have a great point if any of the things she said were facts rather than a rough recitation of a fearmongering Michele Bachmann-originated legend with no basis in fact. Actually, are we sure that SAVING AMERICA wasn't just, like, a scary story campfire for America's most terrified xenophobes? From far off, Sally heard the swelling roar of the Pledge of Allegiance with the word 'God' omitted. It was in Spanish. She knew it wouldn't be long now before her forced marriage to Lil' Wayne now.

The always-absurd World Net Daily went even further, referring to Abedin as a "Muslim Brotherhood Princess" and implying that her top-level security clearance is Americasinkingly bad and that we should ignore her husband's dickwagging and focus instead on being afraid of Muslims.

And Rush Limbaugh, who I had no idea was such a scholar on the psychology of Islamic women, had this to add to the conversation,

It's relevant to point out here by the way ... Huma is a Muslim. In that regard, Weiner ought to be able to get away with anything.”

Muslim women don’t have any power, right? Muslim women are beheaded, stoned, whatever, if they drive, have affairs. In certain countries, Muslim women, if they’re raped, are killed — it’s their fault.

So there you have it, folks. Islam turns its followers into unstoppable, unfeeling soldiers. Not like Christianity, where the faithful study a book that contains advice like "Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." (1 Samuel 15:3) Furthermore, Islam turns women— and therefore Huma Abedin — into glassy eyed, obedient automatons, unlike those other religions that are super cool about women making their own decisions and speaking their minds. You know, like Christianity. Good old Christianity, where adherent women study a book that contains such liberating gems as "Let the women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but let them be in subjection, as also saith the law." (1 Corinthians 14:34) and "But I permit not a woman to teach, nor to have dominion over a man, but to be in quietness." (1 Timothy 2:12).

I'm glad we have all of this figured out.