Missouri Woman Finds Donald Trump's Face in Her Butter 

Like a miracle, except, you know, more of a dark omen of our certain and inexorable doom: a Missouri woman told a local news station that she awoke one morning and popped the lid off a tub of butter, only to find that it contained the face of Donald Trump. Evidently Jesus has fled and will not be appearing in anybody’s foodstuffs until this godforsaken election is over.

It’s pretty spot-on:

Jan Castellano of Wildwood, Missouri, told KSDK that she found the shrieking visage in a tub of organic butter spread, proving there is literally no time or place in which Donald Trump is not yelling at someone. “This toast is a loser! This tub I’m sitting in is a fat pig! That bimbo raspberry jam is on the rag!”

No word what Castellano did with the butter, but an exorcism is not an unreasonable response, Jan.

Top photo via AP Images