Mike Huckabee Is on the Right Side of History Because Gays are Gross

Oh, Huckles! He’s at it again, the scamp. On his show Sunday morning, Mike “Huckles” Chucklebee was just beside himself (THE EXPRESSION, NOT LIKE TWO MIKE HUCKABEES SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN A GAY WAY) over the fact that the mean old “extremist” Supreme Court is going to let gay people snuggle ‘neath the watchful eye of Lady Justice instead of deporting them en masse, keeping them from one another’s deathbeds, shredding their families for sport, and lapping up their tears like depraved hellhounds. Which just isn’t fair, because those are like four out of five of Chuckles’s favorite things! (The fifth thing is Plinko.) WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHUCKLES.

Here’s Mike himself detailing the bee in his extremely heterosexual man-bonnet:

“If we’re determined to change the definition of marriage to accommodate how people feel and what they wish to do because of their mutual consent, then we should immediately release those incarcerated for practicing polygamy or bigamy,” Huckabee said. “And, frankly, let’s make all consensual adult behaviors legal, whether prostitution, assisted suicide, or even drinking 16 ounce sodas in New York City.”

Yo. Dude. I don’t want to embarrass you or anything, but pretty much all people with actual knowledge and compassion think that prostitution and assisted suicide should be legal. Just a heads up.

But of course there’s more.

Huckabee insisted he was on the right side of history because “the history is pretty long on marriage between a man and a woman, not so much for other versions.”

Ha ha, Mike Huckabee doesn’t understand how sayings work.

Typically, when we use the saying “the right side of history,” the main thing we’re referring to as being on the wrong side of history is history. In case that’s not clear, let’s take a look at some other things that are on Mike Huckabee’s side of history:

Just being naked animals with no civilization or the ability to make fire!
Buying and selling people!
Raping and murdering people and not getting in trouble because you own them!
Burning women for being weird!
Not having electricity yet!
Locking garment workers in burning buildings!
Grinding up meatpackers in vats of tubercular beef slime and then feeding them to children!
Not letting women vote!
Not letting black people vote!
Not letting anyone vote unless they’re a white dude who owns land!
Letting Mike Huckabee be in charge of an entire state!
Stealing Native American children and dumping them in Christian boarding schools to have their cultures systematically erased if they don’t die of horrible diseases first!
Straight-up genocide!
Being able to just murder a black kid on the street for no reason!
Oh wait, that’s still happening!

You know what’s better than history? NOW. That’s why those of us who believe that the world can be better for everyone continually struggle make “now” happen. People who desperately try to stifle progress are usually defending their own supremacy.

Mike Huckabee, you are taking a stand against a civil rights movement. You know how sometimes you’ll watch a movie about a civil rights movement, and in the movie there are bad guys that you hate? THAT IS YOU. Aren’t you embarrassed? You are a scared little turd and you want the future to be more like the past because on your side of history nobody pointed out your turdish smell. Well, we smell it now. Go flush yourself.

Mike Huckabee: I’m no homophobe, but same-sex marriage like polygamy and prostitution [RawStory]