Former (and possibly future, hooray!!) presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has waded into the debate surrounding the Republican party's war on women. As one might expect, what he had to say was pretty horrific.

Here's a transcript of his remarks, in case you don't feel like listening to 56 seconds of what it sounds like when the devil farts:

Women I know are outraged that Democrats think that women are nothing more than helpless and hopeless creatures whose only goal in life is to have the government provide for them birth control medication. Women I know are smart, educated, intelligent, capable of doing anything that anyone else can do. Our party stands for the recognition of the equality of women and the capacity of women. That's not a war on them, that's a war for them. And if the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of government then so be it! Let us take that discussion all across America because women are far more than the Democrats have played them to be. And women across America have to stand up and say enough of that nonsense.

Uh. No. Literally no one believes that taking away women's right to contraception is doing women a big favor. What's actually insulting to the women of America is the notion that they'd fall for this fallacious, insincere, malignant garbage.

Pro-tip: if you're looking to win over a large demographic of humans who have been massively turned off by your party's increasingly restrictive, antiquated and flat-out batshit views on gender, I'd recommend NOT insinuating that wanting to have control over one's own reproductive agency is the equivalent of being a helpless, dumb slut.

It almost goes without saying that empowering women to manage their own reproductive health is one of the best things a government can do to recognize — and ensure — women's equality and equal capacity. According to a report from the CDC, 99 percent of sexually active women have used some form of contraception, and 4 out of 5 have used birth control pills. So, plainly put, when you rail against affordable access to contraception, you pit yourself staunchly against the needs of the majority of women. Not a good look, Huckabee. Not a good look at all.

When asked to weigh on on the Huckabee's statement, White House press Secretary Jay Carney responded, "I haven't seen that report, but whoever said it sounds offensive to me and to women." Yep. Exactly.