Michele Bachmann Would Protect Gay People By Doing Nothing

Michele Bachmann’s still touring the country with her wildly popular performance art piece she calls “Paranoid Funadmentalist Conspiracy Theorist Magnetic Poetry Runs For President.” In this stop along her campaign trail, the Minnesota Congresswoman landed in what looks like a rural Iowa nursing home multipurpose room. A group of brave members of the local high school’s Gay Straight Alliance showed up to confront her about her stance on gay rights and bullying, and headache inducing circletalk ensued. And now, thanks to the power of YouTube, you can witness the madness yourself.

One student asked Bachmann about how she’d protect gay rights as President, and Bachmann responded that no one was supposed to get special rights because we all have the same rights in the eyes of the law. The student countered that if everyone was equal, then why weren’t gay people in some states allowed to marry? Bachmann said that they don’t get to get married because it’s illegal (actually, that’s not true; in Iowa, gay people are allowed to get married. But pesky “facts” never stopped the Bachmann Express before now; why would they start today?). Another very patient student wondered aloud if you could say that people had “equal rights” when one group had “more rights” than the other. Bachmann said that they don’t have equal rights because they’re not special and they don’t get special rights and marriage is between a man and a woman because that’s what the law says. This entire headache inducing exchange is punctuated by the flaccid applause of a group of particularly stern looking octogenarian Iowans in sweatpants.

Ah, Michele Bachmann. Brave defender of the status quo. Ageless avatar of the obsolete!

Anyway, she was tired of explaining to silly schoolchildren how it doesn’t mean that groups of people are unequal just because one group gets more rights than the other. She had other, more important things to talk about, like how Christian children (basically, human Precious Moments dolls) are persecuted because they’re not allowed to speak tongues in school or whatever, but I lost track because my brain was busy hemorrhaging.