This week, boringly wacky Congressperson Trent Franks' dumb, dumb, dumb 20 week abortion ban advanced one step closer to becoming a law at the federal level*. Helping his constitutionally flaccid bill along was an all-male chorus of YEA votes in the nincompoopery-intense House Judiciary Committee — or, as we're going to call them from now on because we're grown-ass bill-paying lease-signing tax-paying adults, the Congressional Douchebag Caucus. Congrats, guys!
If you get your jollies from laughing so you don't cry at the dangerous lunatics running the country, then you'll love the Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee. It's got every cartoonish phobia a lady could want in a group of powerwhoring ideologues — xenophobia, homophobia, ladyphobia, and almost certainly kainotophobia. Let's meet 'em!
Jim Sensennbrenner - Wisconsin's 5th
:( - Once stormed out of a Judiciary Committee hearing on the Patriot Act and Iraq War (in violation of House Rules) because his feelings were hurt when Democrats brought up the issue of human rights violations at Gitmo.
:) - His official portrait is him standing in front of a storm holding a gavel with a Dalmatian. The only way it could be better is if he and the dog were playing poker, or if he were literally Howard Dean in a Canadian tuxedo.
Lamar Smith - Texas's 21st
:(- His opposition to an effort to decriminalize cannabis was poorly received by tech savvy potheads, many of whom swarmed his Facebook page with meanie pants comments. Rather than address them, Smith took his Facebook page down, then put it back up with all of the comments deleted. Take that, internet! Further, with all sorts of anti-choice group endorsements Smith is so up in your womanparts that he knows before you do when you have a UTI. He didn't vote yesterday, but you know he was there in spirit.
:)- Graduated from a school called — not making this up — TMI.
Louis Gohmert - Texas's 1st
:( - Is a birther. Just last month, he told a woman testifying at a Congressional hearing that she should have carried her fetus to term rather than have an abortion, even though the woman's fetus didn't have a functioning brain. Real huggable, empathetic guy, this one. Always wearing his thinking cap.
:)- Invented the hilarious but meaningless fearmongering phrase "terror babies."
Spencer Bachus - Alabama's 6th
:(- Once accused Bill Maher of treason, which is a perfectly reasonable, non-crazy thing to accuse someone of after they make a joke about missed army recruitment targets.
:)- His hair doesn't look like it can move. That's something, right?
Ted Poe - Texas's 2nd
:(- Ends his speeches on the House floor with "And that's just the way it is..." like an aw shucks homemade piping hot jerk.
:)- Lives in a town called Humble, Texas. Which sounds like a cute fictional setting for Country Crock a margarine commercial.
J. Randy Forbes - Virginia's 4th
:(- Campaigned on a promise to fight on the dumb side of the "culture war." He called it Team Pushback. Among the things J. Randy and his gang of nerds have pushed for? Officially declaring the US a "Judeo-Christian nation" (you can sit with us, Jews!) and proclaiming that the Holy Bible is the Word Of God, like, officially. Among other things.
:)- His first name is James but he goes by Randy because he wanted to sound more like a guy who operates a tilt-a-whirl on weekends I guess. Fun.
Trent Franks- Arizona's 8th
:(- Imagine everything that makes you want to put your head in an oven about politicians — posturing, moralizing, that Fake Sincerity mugging, faux concern, patronizing explanations of indefensible positions, saying stupid shit about rape, and being from Arizona. That's Trent Franks. Defender of personhood even though he and his wife have a kid through a surrogate. He's the actual worst.
:)- I don't know. He doesn't seem to yell a lot. I'm really reaching here.
Thomas Marino - Pennsylvania's 10th
:(- While serving as US Attorney, he wrote a letter of recommendation in support of a convicted felon who was trying to get a slot machine license and then lied about having permission to do so. Resigned position at US Attorney's office and accepted position as in-house attorney for convicted felon, a position that paid $250,000 per year.
:)- Is significantly balding, so will never be President.
Darrell Issa - California's 49th
:(- Basically entered politics because he's a rich guy who hates paying for shit. Greasy.
:)- According to Wikipedia, "many of his (childhood) friends were Jewish." Second richest dude in Congress. And whatta Perry Comover!
Jim Jordan - Ohio's 4th
:(- Has a perfect score from the American Conservative Union, which I guess, given the current state of American conservatism, makes him a gaypunching Jesus who manufactures fetal body armor.
:)- Was a really good wrestler in high school and college.
Blake Farenthold - Texas's 27th
:(- Is the fourth Texan on this list. Because what America needs is more loudmouth Texan dudes doing loudmouth Texan things.
:)- Was a radio DJ before he went into politics, so he might have some cool jams on his iPod (unlikely).
George Holding - North Carolina's 13th
:(- Lipless, terrifying.
:)- During the 2012 election, was endorsed by an ex-Senator named Launch Faircloth. If there are two significant linguistic contributions the South has made to American culture, it's the word "y'all" and AMAZING SENATOR NAMES.
Steve King - Iowa's 4th
:(- Hoo boy. Steve King is an Olympic level xenophobe and he's not afraid to be a real dumb asshole about it. From comparing immigrants to dogs to dropping the phrase "anchor baby" with impunity, he's a peach. A rotton peach that hates immigrants.
:)- Has real pretty eyes.
Anyway, congrats, broskis, and welcome to the DBag caucus. You'll likely be joined by more of your like-minded colleagues in the House of Representatives, the Junior Varsity squad of the legislative branch. But until then, stretch out, relax, and enjoy the perks that come with your new distinction.