Lindsay Lohan, Patron Saint of Poor Life Choices, seems to have lost a portion of her finger in what can broadly be termed a “boating accident.”
According to TMZ, what sounds like one hell of a spectacle went down Sunday morning as Lohan was trying to relax on a damn watercraft off the coast of Turkey. But any chill vibes immediately dissipated when she went to raise the anchor, her hand becoming entangled in the ropes and pulling her off the boat. And then:
The anchor sliced off the tip of her finger. Her friends went on the hunt and found the detached digit on the deck of the boat. They rushed LiLo to an ER, where a plastic surgeon reattached it.
“I almost lost my finger from the anchor,” she wrote on Snapchat. “Well, I lost half my finger, thank goodness we found the piece of my finger... i just had surgery to fix it ... it hurts so bad.”
“This is the result of me trying to help anchor the boat by myself,” she says. Was she...helping to anchor it or was she...anchoring it by herself? YOUR STORY DOESN’T ADD UP, LOHAN. She then emits a sound that might be either a fake sob or a laugh—if it’s the latter, we now know that Lindsay Lohan chuckles like a man who just bought his first novelty t-shirt on a Jersey Shore boardwalk.
TMZ has photos, of course, and you can take a look for yourself, if you want. If not, I’ll just say that there’s a blood-drenched finger and a bandage that looks as though it was removed WAY too soon. It contains some sort of bloody mass, recalling that gross bag of mystery parts from the (original) Blair Witch Project.
I feel sorry for Lohan, but that doesn’t mean I won’t spend the rest of the evening happily picturing the scene: Lohan yowling in the background as a panicked group of hangers-on desperately scour the deck for her liberated finger, thinking wryly that they did not sign up for this.