Let's Recklessly Speculate on Why Rick Perry Won't Run for Reelection

And they say Sarah Palin isn’t a relevant trendsetter. Governor and ex-hilarious Presidential candidate Rick Perry— arguably the nuttiest nut in the legislative clusterfuck that is Texas — announced just minutes ago that he won’t be running for another term at the helm of the Lone Star State after serving as governor for a record-setting 14 years. But why? Let’s irresponsibly speculate!

First, the boring facty stuff: According to USA Today & everyone, Perry’s announcement came during remarks at the Caterpillar dealership owned by the chairman & CEO of the San Antonio Spurs, who I just learned moments ago is a huge Rick Perry supporter. I knew there was a reason I hated the spurs besides Ginobili’s dumb face! Anyway: Perry said that it was time to hand over the torch to new leadership and didn’t really elaborate as to why. The big takeaway here? The next year in Texas politics is going to be very interesting.

Some theories, just off the top of my head:

dying of terminal jerk disease
rap career
founding a creepy church
an Eat, Pray, Love type deal
moving to LA to try to make it as a standup
tired of fucking the same 13.8 million Texas women every night
elaborate performance art thesis complete; can now receive Ph.D from Yale
found Jesus; but turns out Jesus lives in the butt of a guy named Lance.
realized he could make way more money in the shadowy and unregulated world of lobbying and speech giving and getting the crazies all frothed up.

To Perry’s credit, he says he plans to complete this term as governor before he takes his dumbshittery to the streets, where I’m sure it will be well-received by youths who respond well to terrifying rubbery visages and Ronald Reagan hair.