More
terrible news out of one of the worst downfalls in sports history. According to
a story in the New York Post, Lance Armstrong (a guy we moved
from the Makes Texas Seem Cool column to the Yet Another Shitty Embarrassment
pile) reportedly gave a rival cyclist a cake box filled with $100,000 cash to
throw a race. Oh for crying out loud.
Italian
cyclist Roberto Gaggioli, 51, said Armstrong personally gave him
the money in 1993 to throw the Thrift Drug Triple Crown, a multistate race
which ended in Philadelphia.
Via the New York Post:
“He offered me a panettone [cake] as a present and wished
me a Merry Christmas. In the box there were $100,000 in small bills,”
Gaggioli told the Italian paper Corriere della Sera. “Lance said that my
team, Coors Light, had agreed to it. I understood that it had all been
decided,” he said.
While
the act is a criminal offense, a spokesperson for the Philadelphia DA said
charges would not be probably not be filed, as “the statute of limitations has most likely run out.”
People.
I cannot state this firmly enough. I strongly disagree with
the practice of defiling baked goods, especially as a way of delivering material associated with criminal acts. This is just heartbreaking. I mean. That’s maybe
something you do with a pie. Maybe. Does anyone know what
became of the poor cake? No. Because no one thinks of the innocent victims in
all this mess.
Miley Cyrus is here to free your nipples, y’all. She’s jumped aboard a campaign aptly called “Please, For the Love Of God, Don’t Let People Realize How Fucking Ridiculous Everything I Did in 2013 Is Now That Beyonce Has Obliterated The Entire Music Industry. OMG BANGERZ WTF WAS I THINKING???”
No, wait—so sorry. It’s called Free the Nipple. I kid, but the campaign is worth checking out. Via Huff Po:
The campaign was started by activists “appalled by [the] American media’s glorification of violence and repression of nudity,” and it aims to “decriminalize the female body” and “protest the backwards censorship laws in the US,” according to its Facebook page.
Olivia
Munn says Jerry Bruckheimer is not, in fact, a
gross piece of cheese left out too long at a dull party. Uh-huh. Please tell us
more. [Just Jared]
OK.
Click on this link. Save it in your bookmarks favorites.
Refer to it whenever you start to question “gee, what has Burt ever
really done for us here at Jezebel, tho?” [Perez Hilton]
This is
a story about the time Brad Pitt apologized to a gossip
columnist. [E Online]
Basically
EVERYONE is getting their own Amazing Spiderman spinoff. Great
news for Guy In Crowd #6, who is reportedly deep in negotiations for the Guys in Crowd franchise kickoff. [ScreenRant]
Look, Kanye
West didn’t say that thing about making Kim Kardashian into
a more popular singer than Beyonce. It’s OK though, because he
still says plenty of other awesome stuff all the time. [Huffington Post]
Justin
Bieber does not skateboard as well as he does graffiti. Or
perhaps he does it better. [Buzzfeed Celeb]
Taylor
Swift spent her birthday crying about why she couldn’t celebrating with her
have thought of what Beyonce pulled off yesterday
bestest, best, best friends, who apparently now include Lorde.
[E Online]
Dear
sweet baby Jesus, please please make this or any other movie with Samuel L. Jackson and Alexander Skarsgard happen. I really
don’t care what it is. I’m not that picky. You decide; kthanx. [Cinema Blend]
Kelly
Clarkson is doing Christmas right. [Parade]
EVERYONE
STAY OUT OF TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR’S EVE. SERIOUSLY YOU WILL THANK ME FOR
THIS. [Us Weekly]
Martin
Freeman is awesome, y’all. [GulfNews]
Even Chairlift frontwoman Caroline
Polachek, who worked on the track ‘No Angel,’ had no
freaking clue Beyonce was dropping an album yesterday. She learned via a text
message. A text message holy shit. THIS BEYONCIFICATION OF THE
MUSIC INDUSTRY JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER YOU GUISE. [Rolling Stone]
Also,
don’t worry everyone. Grumpy Cat did not get
a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Calm down; you can stop irrationally
hating a cat probably gives zero fucks about what its human handlers are doing
90 percent of the time except food is involved. [Too Fab]
Image
via Getty Images