More terrible news out of one of the worst downfalls in sports history. According to a story in the New York Post, Lance Armstrong (a guy we moved from the Makes Texas Seem Cool column to the Yet Another Shitty Embarrassment pile) reportedly gave a rival cyclist a cake box filled with $100,000 cash to throw a race. Oh for crying out loud.
Italian cyclist Roberto Gaggioli, 51, said Armstrong personally gave him the money in 1993 to throw the Thrift Drug Triple Crown, a multistate race which ended in Philadelphia.
Via the New York Post:
"He offered me a panettone [cake] as a present and wished me a Merry Christmas. In the box there were $100,000 in small bills," Gaggioli told the Italian paper Corriere della Sera. "Lance said that my team, Coors Light, had agreed to it. I understood that it had all been decided," he said.
While the act is a criminal offense, a spokesperson for the Philadelphia DA said charges would not be probably not be filed, as "the statute of limitations has most likely run out."
People. I cannot state this firmly enough. I strongly disagree with the practice of defiling baked goods, especially as a way of delivering material associated with criminal acts. This is just heartbreaking. I mean. That's maybe something you do with a pie. Maybe. Does anyone know what became of the poor cake? No. Because no one thinks of the innocent victims in all this mess.
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) December 11, 2013
Miley Cyrus is here to free your nipples, y'all. She's jumped aboard a campaign aptly called "Please, For the Love Of God, Don't Let People Realize How Fucking Ridiculous Everything I Did in 2013 Is Now That Beyonce Has Obliterated The Entire Music Industry. OMG BANGERZ WTF WAS I THINKING???"
No, wait—so sorry. It's called Free the Nipple. I kid, but the campaign is worth checking out. Via Huff Po:
The campaign was started by activists "appalled by [the] American media's glorification of violence and repression of nudity," and it aims to "decriminalize the female body" and "protest the backwards censorship laws in the US," according to its Facebook page.
Olivia Munn says Jerry Bruckheimer is not, in fact, a gross piece of cheese left out too long at a dull party. Uh-huh. Please tell us more. [Just Jared]
This is a story about the time Brad Pitt apologized to a gossip columnist. [E Online]
Basically EVERYONE is getting their own Amazing Spiderman spinoff. Great news for Guy In Crowd #6, who is reportedly deep in negotiations for the Guys in Crowd franchise kickoff. [ScreenRant]
Look, Kanye West didn't say that thing about making Kim Kardashian into a more popular singer than Beyonce. It's OK though, because he still says plenty of other awesome stuff all the time. [Huffington Post]
Justin Bieber does not skateboard as well as he does graffiti. Or perhaps he does it better. [Buzzfeed Celeb]
Swift spent her birthday
crying about why she couldn't
have thought of what Beyonce pulled off yesterday celebrating with her
bestest, best, best friends, who apparently now include Lorde.
Dear sweet baby Jesus, please please make this or any other movie with Samuel L. Jackson and Alexander Skarsgard happen. I really don't care what it is. I'm not that picky. You decide; kthanx. [Cinema Blend]
Kelly Clarkson is doing Christmas right. [Parade]
EVERYONE STAY OUT OF TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE. SERIOUSLY YOU WILL THANK ME FOR THIS. [Us Weekly]
Martin Freeman is awesome, y'all. [GulfNews]
Even Chairlift frontwoman Caroline Polachek, who worked on the track 'No Angel,' had no freaking clue Beyonce was dropping an album yesterday. She learned via a text message. A text message holy shit. THIS BEYONCIFICATION OF THE MUSIC INDUSTRY JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER YOU GUISE. [Rolling Stone]
Also, don't worry everyone. Grumpy Cat did not get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Calm down; you can stop irrationally hating a cat probably gives zero fucks about what its human handlers are doing 90 percent of the time except food is involved. [Too Fab]
Image via Getty Images