Ladies: Here's 50 Things You MUST Know to Keep a Man

The first thing you should know is that according to a list published on Wall Street Insanity, men are fragile babies who can’t stand to have their women disagree with them in public, gain weight or watch a chick flick without getting a blowie after. (I need you to know that writing blowie literally made me feel itchy and like I need to take a shower. Is blowie the new moist?) The second thing you should know is that whoever wrote this is a fucking idiot.

This list, which promises to “help you help him to create a strong and lasting relationship with just about any guy” (what? Is that a Freudian slip), lets the women reading in on a little secret: Men will never understand women, so women have to learn to understand men. Good news, though, men are so easy to understand that instructions on how to take charge, keep them content, and get what you want can be boiled down to 50 easy-peasy bullet points. (And if you don’t get it, the author will provide you with a private tutorial.) (Gross.)

Here are just a few (annotated) selections:

He hates that short haircut. This is the reason Jennifer Lawrence can’t. land. a. man. Sorry J-Law, truth hurts. Fuck what you want your hair to look like, your partner’s preference is all that matters.

You should never flirt with his friends.According to the author this ruins friendships. You need to take a step back and think about your choices. But you also need to realize that…

He wants to bang your friends. But you’d better not take it personally, because that is something he wants to do to 90% of all women according to a recent survey done by the University of I Pulled This Number Out Of My Ass. (Very prestigious.)

You should always take his side. Look, it doesn’t matter if he’s just said that the moon is made of Courtney Stodden’s crystallized tears or that Sarah Palin would make an excellent president because she’s been keeping an eye on Russia from her house and they haven’t attacked IN YEARS, if it’s in public you just smile and nod because any challenge to his intellectual authority is going to tax your relationship and have you on the first bus out to LONESOMEVILLE. You can say whatever you want in private (we are in the year 2014, after all), but if you so much as suggest that he may be incorrect while other people (the author doesn’t qualify who these people are, only that they are the public) are around, he will never forgive you. Never ever.

Be his muse. His hopes and dreams come first. Your hopes and dreams have been realized because you are someone’s muse.

Save the big piece of chicken for him. Because he “works hard and doesn’t complain much.” What do you do all day? Sit at home and sing along with Santana? Do you know how long it takes to write a dumb list of things women should know about men? You’d actually better give him the whole chicken because…

You’ve got to watch your weight. I’m just going to quote the author here: “Just because you landed him doesn’t mean you can eat whatever you want and stop going to the gym (and to be fair, neither can he).” (Unless he is working too hard and eating the big piece of chicken.)

And most importantly:

He needs quiet sometimes. Cease your incessant chatter, there are lists to be written!

This list is offensive on several levels, and as a dude (admittedly a gay dude) I find it problematic not only because it absolves men of basically all responsibility (“You need to be his moral compass”) but simultaneously puts the pressure on women to cater to the man’s every need. And it also suggests that all men (and the list doesn’t distinguish between straight men and gay men so I’m going to assume I’m included) are alike and cannot change their behavior. Because reasons. And this type of thinking should always be challenged, not just because it is archaic and insulting to everyone involved, but because it also perpetuates the idea that the items on this list are not only normal, but acceptable.

And they’re not. They’re bullshit. And they produce such gems as Dmitri The Lover: