It must be a strange time for Kirk Cameron. Since yesterday, the former TV star and current spokesperson for everything wrong with Christianity has been trending all over the internet. But it’s not because of anything having to do with Cameron’s religious views. No, it’s because America’s most adorable bigot is now the star of his own homoerotic novella.

Don’t get too excited; Cameron didn’t write this story (unfortunately). But on the plus side, it features a horny crocoduck, a made up creature often cited by creationists as “proof” that evolution isn’t real.

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Vocativ’s Luke Malone reports that the erotic novella is about so much more than just the crocoduck, its horrifying flapping wings, or its full nine inches of functioning dick (that Cameron proudly takes all of). The work of fiction (fiction) also features a sexy Jesus who’s also a cheese and Satan, who’s on the hunt for what Sandra refers to as “sex meat,” whatever that might be. But the real star of the story, according to Vocativ, is Sandra’s writing itself, which is full of typos and sometimes incoherent, but is, at other times brilliantly funny. For instance, here’s an excerpt from a scene in which Cameron orally pleasures the crocoduck:

Kirk Cameron’s mouth dropped and he fell to his knees. The Crocoduck he used to refute evolution was now in the room crocwaddling toward him. It looked at Kirk and its wings flapped with glee. The green-scaled skin glistened while his feathers looked regal. It’s 12-inch jaw of teeth showed a long smile of lust—its Crocoduck c*ck was the same length. The Crocoduck darted toward the kneeling and shocked open-mouthed Kirk Cameron. Kirk didn’t close his mouth in time and took nine inches of the Crocoduck. It squealed with delight while flapping his wings.

It might be because it’s early in the morning and I’m still half-asleep, but Sandra’s writing is so incredibly vivid that I can almost hear the crocoduck squealing in pleasure (it sounds like a strangled asthmatic wheeze to me; you?) as it flaps its pleasure-soaked wings. And Jesus, in all his glory, approves of this unholy meeting of man mouth and monster cock.

Jesus smiled and looked down at Cameron full of Crocoduck c*ck. “My disciples said cheese made them blocked, but I will show you Kirk that the right kind of cheese can open a man up.” Jesus took his white robe of cheese off his body and showed his erection.

Spoiler alert: Cameron learns to love taking all of the crocoduck inside, forming a new holy trinity between himself, Christ’s cheesetastic erection, and the monster created by Chaos Magick and the natural desire for one man to be sexually possessed by a creature that “quack-moans” when it comes.

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While the Cameron who’s skull-fucked by a crocoduck in Sandra’s story is suspiciously similar to the Cameron who’s alive in our universe, Sandra’s not worried about being sued. She told Malone that Cameron’s got better things to do. “Kirk is too busy making bad movies and writing lame Facebook posts. If he tries to sue me, well, he can be my guest. It will probably be good for both of our careers.”

Plus, Sandra’s got the law on her side. The book, which you can buy on Amazon for less than the price of a convenience store cup of coffee (or free, if you subscribe to Amazon Unlimited), bears the disclaimer that “Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.”

This novella could be the crowning achievement of American literature created during our generation and, as Malone points out, it’s probably the best alternative to buying a copy of Go Set a Watchman, which was also released this week. Both works of fiction bring us face-to-face with blasts from our pasts, but only one features a beloved former child star taking it in the mouth from a monster bent on tearing down the moral fibers of this great country. Make the right choice with your money.


Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.