Kim Kardashian's 'Fairy Tale' Wedding Was Light On Love

Kim Kardashian’s wedding — months in the planning — was supposedly a two-night four-hour event, but the actual nuptials took up less than three minutes of airtime. The other 237 minutes consisted of both aggressively intimate scenes (being in the operating room during Kris Jenner’s face lift) and glossy, shallow stuff (watching Kim pick flowers for her bouquet), none of it very interesting. None of it very romantic.

A lot of the narrative focused on how Kris Humphries wasn’t very helpful in the planning stages of the wedding. At 26 years old, he is younger than Kim, chronologically, but it seems a lot less mature, as well. There was a scene in the car in which the dynamic was very mother-son; as Kris was being scolded by Kim he actually put his hand over his mouth with his finger around his nose, almost like he was sucking his thumb.

There was some faux hubbub over whether Kim would change her last name to Humphries, even though it’s pretty obvious that she has branded herself a Kardashian and has everything monogrammed KK and absolutely could not start calling her perfume “Hump.” Although. The manufactured drama seemed almost real when Kris found out from the lady helping them fill out their marriage license that Kim wasn’t changing her name.

In the days before the wedding, Kris grew a mustache, explaining that it was “all he had left” and “the only way to send a message.” If the producers were trying to convince us that Kris is just an innocent young Midwestern dude getting steamrolled by the brutal brunette Kardashian Klan, they did a pretty good job. There were plenty of moments where he came off like a dumb poor sap being bullied and bossed around, and when Kim snapped, “I’ve been planning this wedding since I was ten years old,” he rightly replied, “Yeah, and you could just slide any guy right into it.” There was also a moment when Kim said that Kaela would be one of her bridesmaids, and Kourtney asked, “Who’s Kaela?” Kim answered, “Kris’s sister.” He knows all kinds of details about her family, why don’t they know anything about his? Of course, all clips are edited and spun to make the Kardashians look like a close, loving, awesome family and not like snotty exclusionary jerks.

The only truly interesting and real moment was when Kim broke down while going through her late father’s clothes. In this clip, you can see it in her face as she’s about to cry. She looks toward the cameraperson and says, “wait.” She’s such a control freak that the idea of having an uncontrolled moment recorded sent her running behind a closed door. Also, she actually says: “I hate that like, on the outside, it’s all about like, the material things.” Are you fucking kidding me? If you don’t want people to think you are materialistic, maybe don’t have a pavé cross on the altar of your six million dollar wedding?

Anywhoozle. Homegirl got married. This gif sums up Kris Humphries, groom. Nervous as a mouse being dropped into a boa constrictor tank. What the fuck have I gotten myself into? In four hours of programming, there was very little romance. I never got that warm and fuzzy feeling you get seeing two people in love; nothing — especially not the giant diamond bracelet Kris had sent over to Kim right before the ceremony — showed me how these two are a great match for each other. But just like Belle fell for a beast and Cinderella married a dude after dancing with him once, fairy tales are not supposed to be realistic, right?