I’m writing this morning’s Dirt Bag while watching Kelly Ripa running through the backstage area of her show’s set, as though late for work. “Don’t be nervous,” she’s telling me, the TV audience. “This is gonna be great.” Ripa is in such a strange mood today because she’s about to announce her new co-host LIVE on television after nearly a year of hosting solo.
Though several sites have already reported that her new host is E! daddy Ryan Seacrest, I don’t want to tell you all that definitively until the name comes out of her mouth! Oh, wait, it sounds like she’s talking about something important now. “He or she is ready to come out and start his or her new job!” The audience is screaming, I guess because they didn’t read Page Six. “Well you will,” she says slyly, “RIGHT AFTER THE BREAK!” Oh fuck this.
Now there’s a commercial for some crap. Oh! Flonase. Allergy season, am I right folks? My eyes have been a complete mess latel—and we’re back.
“AND NOW, HERE ARE KELLY RIPA AND RYAN SEACREST,” shouts the announcer, as the curtain rises to reveal Ripa and her new bud. He’s wearing a three-piece suit (probably from his own collection) and looks like a natural fit for the job.
“I’m so happy,” Ryan assures his new boss as they hug for the cameras. “I’m so excited.”
Good. Whatever. I changed the channel. Why did such a boring decision take 12 months to make?
Remember when Val Kilmer said he did not have cancer and that Michael Douglas was a jerk for telling everyone that he did? Yeah, well, he was lying. Kilmer finally revealed his diagnosis in a Reddit AMA of all places.
“A while ago, Michael Douglas claimed you had terminal cancer,” one fan asked. “What was the story behind that?”
“He was probably trying to help me cause press probably asked where I was these days, and I did have a healing of cancer, but my tongue is still swollen altho healing all the time,” Kilmer answered. “Because I don’t sound my normal self yet people think I may still be under the weather.”
The moral here is always believe Michael Douglas. Oh wait, scratch that.