Kate Upton's Curs'ed Boobs Are Bringing Sports Stars to Ruin

Gather round, wee ones, for the most fearsome legend of our time. Great men have fallen to its power, and many more will continue to fall. For its charms are impossible to resist. I’m speaking, of course, of the fearsome legend of Kate Upton’s curs’ed boobs. Or vagina. Or something. Either way, Kate Upton is fucking up sports.

The New York Post has an interesting theory on why Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander is suddenly epically sucking at baseball. It’s not an injury, or a mental lapse, or a need to refocus, or just plain physical wear and tear that comes after years of playing a game that can be hard on a person’s shoulders and arms. Nope. It’s Kate Upton, and her magical, curs’ed, distracting boobs and holes.

But what if the problem has nothing to do with his right arm and everything to do with the buxom blonde on his arm?

If Verlander has been jinxed — or distracted, more likely — into the worst stretch of his career by girlfriend Kate Upton, it would not be the first time an athlete had encountered a major slump around the time he was romantically linked with the swimsuit pin-up.

Call it the Kate Upton Effect. In addition to Verlander, the supermodel’s “victims” may include former Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez and NBA All-Star Blake Griffin.

Men kicking ass? Man big man strong. Men fucking up? Lady mean! Lady distract!

Maybe it’s that sports stars who choose to date famous celebrities are already in the mood to be distracted? But, you know. Three slumping athletes is a trend. Let’s run with this and deploy Kate Upton’s breasts to Russia immediately.