Judgy App Informs You When You Should or Should Have Gotten Married

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Time has a depressing (or hopeful???) new Facebook app that will help pinpoint the exact date you probably should be getting married.

I know right now you’re thinking “~~OMG that is total bullshit!~~ Sounds a little too good to be true, maybe?”

Via Time, a magazine that made every visit to my orthodontist from 1986-1990 far more educational, there now exists an app that analyzes your personal Facebook feed to see when your friends and loved ones got married, and helps you identify when you should get married.

Here are my personal results:

“Your target date was 2 years, 4 months and 7 days ago. But remember, half of your friends were married after that age!”
Hahahaha, well I’m fucked, probably! Time to break up with my boyfriend and
shutter myself away in a log cabin deep in the woods of Idaho, devoting my last spinsterly days writing
Bruce Dern fan fiction. Oh boy, I can’t wait!

This is how Time described the methodology behind all this:

This application measures the median age of your married
friends, meaning the person for whom half your married friends are
younger and half are older. Because you are probably friends with a lot
of people close to your age, this figure will theoretically identify
whether you have passed the point where many of your contemporaries
start tying the knot. It will work better for some than others.

For the purposes of this tool,
“married” refers to anyone who lists his or her relationship status as
“married,” “engaged,” “in a domestic partnership,” or “in a civil
union.” We’re aware that some people use this status facetiously. Since
the distribution of your friends’ ages tends to form a bell curve
centered on your own age, a few jokesters shouldn’t throw off the figure
drastically.

That’s all well and good. Except! I have come up with a different, much better formula based entirely in true, real science that you can use to calculate exactly when your special day will be and I’m sharing it with you today. Fair warning though, this is pretty heavy science math-y stuff, so maybe get a drink of water before diving in because here it is:

Super Perfect Math Calculation Formula For Your Wedding Date

Number of friends’ ridiculously sappy engagement pictures you’ve begrudgingly “liked”

– Number of married friends who have started angry, embarrassing public arguments with each other on their Facebook pages

÷ Number of times you have been tagged in pictures of engagement rings your cousin posted to Facebook from Pinterest

× Number of times you have posted drunken rants about how much you hate it when couples post their sappy proclamations of love to another on Facebook.

= How many days from now you will be getting married, so all you have to do is add it to today’s date and PRESTO—

That’s when your super special happy day is!

Please make sure to include me in your wedding invitation list as I feel I may have had some small part of your happiness by providing you with this fail safe formula. To save you some time on the RSVPs, I will have the chicken. Unless it’s Chicken Marsala. Then put me down for a vegetarian plate.

My big question in all of this is where the hell is an app we truly need when it comes to wedding date predictions? Everyone knows what we really need is an app to tell us when we shouldn’t get married. “Don’t get married on June 4, 2015. Your asshole brother-in-law will have just got into a drunken fight in the parking lot of a Target and all anyone at your wedding will be doing is talking about how your sister is going to make bail for him. Then your sister’s asshole boss will ‘suggest’ that you maybe return some of your gifts for cash and use it for the bail. Your sister will go ‘oh no, you don’t have to do that,’ but you know at this point you pretty much have to because now everyone at the wedding heard the suggestion and you’re going to look like a jerk if you don’t do it.”