Jezebel's March Madness 2014: Drugs vs. Alcohol Begins NOW

Print out your bracket, place your bets, throw on your team colors and heat up some nachos because March Madness 2014: Drugs vs. Alcohol BEGINS. RIGHT. NOW.

It’s Day 1, folks, which means the top seeds will be facing off against the bottom seeds in a battle yet unseen by the likes of (wo)man. From the Illegal Drugs Regional, stepping first into the ring we have Weed (1) going head-to-head with Crack (16). Will weed’s easygoing and gentle attitude make it an easy victim to the aggressive life-ruiner known on the streets as rock? Or will the spliffs rise above and conquer, all through the sheer power of their ultimate chillness? Your votes will decide!

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Next up, the Legal Drugs Regional: We have a war brewin’ between Caffeine (1), the most socially acceptable drug that you probably do multiple times a day, and Glue (16), the drug most easily obtainable at your local hardware or school supply store. One helps you get up in the morning and the other helps get you up off the ground (in your mind, at least), but which will float its way to victory?

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Switching on over to the beverage side of the bracket, the competition between alcohols both hard and soft(er) is already white hot! In the Hard Alcohol arena, we’ve got Margaritas (1), the most perfect of warm weather drinks, slamming its salted rim against the highly undrinkable (really, it can kill you or make you go blind) Rubbing Alcohol (16), which, thankfully is well-prepared to disinfect any wounds it might might sustain in the bloody battle to come.

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Finally, it’s a Soft Stuff ruuuuuumble between Champagne (1), the delicious and effervescent beverage of the elite, and Smirnoff Ice (16), the sugary bottled vodka that frat bros hide in laundry baskets in order to trick each other into getting drunk. Chin chin, ladies and gents! The competition is on!