After her sorority was the subject of a letter—specifically, a guide to talking to Jewish girls—penned by a University of Maryland frat guy that went viral, one girl came back with an answer rap of sorts, sent to her sisters on her list-serv, "How to Impress a Gentile." Biting and funny, it turns the tables on one specific, non-Jewish stereotype from the original guide—the bizarre notion that college girls have some kind of innate aversion to sex, when in fact they're just as indiscriminate about getting laid as dudes. Yes, they're Jewish, and yes they're female, but they're still human. They wanna fuck on spring break.
With the token [redacted] Jew’s riseto moderate levels of Greek blogging fame with his pre-social listserv guide to hooking up with Jewish girls, I thought we should retaliate. Because in reality, it isn’t them trying to get us into their beds, it is us trying to get into their beds in attempts to snag an away weekend invite. A Gentile away weekend is better than no away weekend at all. So, low and behold my guide to hooking up with a non-Jewish boy. If [redacted] follows their guide, and we follow ours, I guarantee that [Redacted's] Spring 2013 Away Weekend will host the highest number of fringe bikinis, high-waisted Urban jean shorts and straightened brown hair it has since its existence at the University
of Maryland. I have determination, I have experience, and I have a non-Jewish father.
1. HOMETOWN: You are NOT from Long Island. I repeat, NOT from Long Island. If you are in fact from Long Island, therefore this applies to (I would guess off the top of my COMM major head…which we will get to later) a good 98.3% of you, say you are from New York. When they follow up with a “where,” don’t give the classic ZBT or SAM response- the knowing smile followed up with “Longeyeland” because you know they are from Longeyeland too. Simply tell them you are from a suburb outside the city, a place they definitely haven’t heard of. If you are scrambling forspecifics, just start with “Port” and tag a President’s name on the end of it. No one has heard of Port Washington or Port Jefferson. Trust me, I know. For the rest of you, Baltimore is OK, just don’t specify Pikesville. If they ask what high school you went to, just ask them to take a shot. If you’re from Jersey, it’s south Jersey. That’s all that needs to be said. What is Marlboro?
2. MUSIC: Your favorite movie is Country Strong. It’s cute,because it shows you kinda like country music when it’s being sung by Gwenyth or Leighton, but you’re not about to go see Jason Aldeen in concert (We can’t push it people. A girl who wears Uggs to a Cowboys and Indians themed social because they are the “closest thing” you could find to cowboy boots isn’t going to fool anyone into thinking she listens to outlaw country music). We all went to PV so Ultra is pretty much irrelevant.
3. SLEEPAWAY CAMP: If you still go, you should probably begin to rethink your life decisions. If the topic comes up, tell them you went and therefore plan to win all Greek Week athletics. You’re amazing at kickball, used to go on volley ball intercamps and simply lose you’re shit over the thought of flag football. [Redacted] like wins shit,so we can totally use our camp roots- no matter how much they are more centered around interlocking braces behind the canteen than sports- to make them believe we are actually athletic. (Is this what camp is like? I never went, once again a reason you should take my advice on this). All dreams will be shattered at Olympics on the Row when we can’t even make it down the slip and slide.
4. JEWISH: Can’t go so far as to say “no,” but you do love a guy in salmon pants (wink at his salmon pants).
5. CONVERSATION: Let’s take a shot!!!
6. MAJOR: Personally, I hate telling people I am a COMM major, Jewish or not, because it automatically has them categorize me as either “dumb” or “too lazy to work, therefore will rely on her husband to support her expensive shopping habits, high suburban mortgage and three kid’s camp and college tuitions.” While the latter is definitely true, don’t let on. Freshmen/sophomores, stick with a simple “undecided” or“applying to the
business school” because you want to “do something with marketing.” Psychology is great, because all these boys need is an ear to listen to them and if you are a psych major, you clearly give good advice on whether he should go into real estate or financial accounting. (Wherever the money’s at…)
7. WHAT TO WEAR: Everyone please burn your high wasted black bandage skirts now!!! For the love of God, just burn them! American Apparel anything can go into that mosh pit of overprice, under sized burning clothes as well. Avoid all the typical Jewish girl man repellers: leggings, Converse, high waisted jeans with crop tops, MichaelKors zipper heels, Rebecca Minkoff bags. I recommend low rise jeans with croptops (If you’re not in the current physical shape to pull of such a look well,join the club because this guide is most likely pointless for us), or those like really weird like tight sweater tank top turtle necks that are SO not stylish but all those non-Jewish sorority girls seem to be wearing at this point. And if your roommate is wearing a peplum, don’t wear a peplum! We always have too much peplum.
My first kiss was black and my latest was definitely not Jewish so I would say my expertise is valid. We will all (myself included) marry a Jewish boy one day, but let’s enjoy the definitely cuter, definitely better-bodied, and definitely dominant religion guys while we can. Go get ‘em ladies. See you at cooler-making time.
Peace, love and White Anglo Saxon Protestants (Don't use this phrase...too campy)
Image via Tribalium/Shutterstock