When it comes to the children of the Real Housewives franchise, many are adored and some are despised, but none are as feared and respected as Milania Giudice of New Jersey. Welcome to Catching Up with Milania, where every week, we—as tribute—will be checking in with my hero, Bravo’s dreaded daughter.


Sunday night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, our precious Dreaded Milania celebrated her 10th birthday. To think, it’s been five whole years since Gia ruined her sister’s 5th birthday with a sad, poorly written ballad about her mother and uncle’s broken relationship! Time truly flies when Satan controls the clock!

Because Andy Cohen has finally realized that Milania is the brightest star of the New Jersey franchise, our tiny terror commanded much of Sunday’s episode and for that we raise our hands and slaughter a goat or two in thanks. The downside, of course, is that there’s no way in hell that I’m going to make fun of (even in our usual celebratory way) a 10-year-old realizing that her father won’t be at her birthday next year because he’s going to prison. Like Lucifer in Paradise Lost, Milania has evolved into a tragic hero—one I will continue to worship until she comes to me on my deathbed.

While the Dreaded Milania remains spectacular and glorious, her brilliant evil is shadowed by another far worse creature. Not Joe the Ogre, but worse still—Jacqueline Laurita, otherwise known as Error, a horrible beast with the torso of a woman and lower body of a snake that dwells in a cave in Franklin Lakes, subsisting off the pain and misfortune of those around her.


In the beginning, Jacqueline seemed sweet—an innocent little puppy forced between her sisters-in-law and the increasingly crazy Danielle Staub—but as time went on, she revealed her true manipulative self by allegedly driving a wedge between Caroline and Dina Manzo (let’s not forget that this is the same innocent puppy who once punched Caroline in the face) and slowly but surely revealing the full extent of her derangement.

Jacqueline, as she demonstrates more and more through every episode, is an expert manipulator, far more skilled than she’s ever been credited for. Knowing this now, it makes much more sense that she spawned a demon like Ashlee. Speaking of, remember when Ashlee (then “Ashley”) called her mom immature and said that she acted like she was in 8th grade? Turns out, she—despite being awful herself—was very right! Jacqueline—as we saw during last week’s conversation with Teresa—IS immature and DOES act like an 8th grader. An 8th grader with Kafkaesque plastic surgery, but still, you get the point.



As Jacqueline wraps her tale around more people, painfully strangling the life out of them, it’s time we look for solutions. My suggestion: Unleash the Dreaded Milania on her. It will be like Batman Vs. Superman, except I’ll actually watch it.

Unrelated: Is it problematic that Bravo plays Klezmer music behind all of Siggy’s scenes? Something for us all to ponder...