Art by Sam Woolley.

I’m going to be honest: choosing a March Madness theme was a little tough this year because we are all feeling... a little more existential than usual. But the complicated tenor of our spirits was exactly how we landed on Childhood vs. Adulthood, resulting in perhaps one of the most joyous brackets we’ve ever had.

At first, the choice might seem easy. Childhood, which we defined here as the time from infancy to the age of 17, is generally characterized by not having to pay for shit, not having to totally take care of yourself, and spending your days playing around with no responsibilities. But when you think about it, this comes at the price of freedom: you have a bedtime, you have a curfew, you have to ask before you leave the house. As adults, we have to foot our way, but we can do whatever the hell we want. Was childhood even that great, anyway?

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Well, friends, it’s up to you to decide. We’ve divided our cage match into two subgroups—Work and Play—and pitted the most divisive, chin-scratcher topics against one another. Here’s our bracket—feel free to print it out and hang it in your office break room. AND LET THE GAMES BEGIN! [evil laugh]

In case you don’t remember how this works (I still actually don’t know and I’m running this shit), the top seeds face off with the bottom seeds for round one.

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In the first match-up from the Childhood Work Division: Being Forced to Read for School (1) goes up against Thinking You’ll Probably Live Forever (16). At first blush, this might seem like a lesser of two evils scenario, but fundamentally, this heat is about knowledge: would you rather amass information you hate now but might appreciate later, or be blissfully ignorant about the true nature of brutal humanity? Tough choice!

Down in the Childhood Play, we’ve got Hand Stuff (1) vs. Not Knowing About Sex (16). Well, would you prefer to conceive of sex as an amorphous blur that makes babies somehow, or figure it out um, manually?

In the Adulthood Work Division, you must choose between “Really Trying to Find Time to Read” (1)—We are! We swear!—and Knowing Your Mortality and Being Fine With It (16). Life is but a series of decisions, and maybe not really having enough space in your schedule but you will definitely check on your iCal.

Finally, in Adult Play, there’s Mouth Stuff (1) and Having Bad Sex (16). A lifetime of pleasuring others with your face, or any experience at all that neglects to satisfy? Is there anything more adult than knowing what either or both of these things are like?

You have the entire weekend to cast your votes. We’ll be back first thing Monday morning!