Illustration by Sam Woolley.

Wow, it’s Day Three of March Madness: Childhood vs. Adulthood and we’re getting ever-closer to jumping into the next round, so let’s get right into it!

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First, the results from yesterday’s Childhood speed-round: a whopping 87.97 percent of you preferred Everything Is Free (8) to Fisher Price (9), which is unsurprising, as was that 72.63 percent of you who preferred Barbie’s bitchin’ vehicle, the Power Wheels Barbie Jammin Jeep Wrangler (5), to Hating Your School Principal (12).

Sixty-three point 25 percent of you would rather Promise to Clean Up After Your Pet (13) than Wear a Retainer to Keep Your Teeth Straight (4), but more of you would rather hate on an ICON OF AMERICAN TELEVISION (Tom Brokaw Is Boring (11), which earned 70.61 percent of the vote) than go through puberty again (Puberty (6)).

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Is it a coincidence that more of you would rather Get an A (14) (79.62 percent) and Ignore Things You Don’t Understand (10) (93.81) than Apply to College (3) or Wear Pampers (7) again? I’m no psychologist, but I feel somehow these two things are linked. Also perhaps telling: Just 62.11 percent of you would rather Want to Be a Movie Star When You Grow Up (15) than Not Vote and Not Care (37.89). You are fatigued by the climate, I can tell.

WAY more of you would rather have a Long Summer Vacation (9) (93.46 percent) than Talk Shit On the Playground (8) (6.54 percent), which further leads me to believe you are fatigued! You’d also prefer Juiceboxes (12) over Wishing You Could Eat Candy For Dinner (5) at a clip of 62.32 percent, and Innocent Grinding at School Dances (4) over Chicken Pox (13), at 77.2 percent. And Making Best Friends By Just Saying “Hi” (6) won out at 84.88 percent over Hardcore Organized Sports (11), while Footie Pajamas (14) beat out Smoking Ragweed from a Bong (3), 74.3 percent to 25.7 percent. COME ON!!!

Finally, you’d rather watch Cartoons (10) than Try Out Makeup (7), which got just 33.36 percent of the vote, and Sneak Out After Curfew (15) than be a Picky Eater (2). See, you’ve expanded your horizons!


Now, let us commence voting. In the Adulthood Work Division:

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Paying For Everything (8) goes up against Ikea (9), and it’s a tough call; you have bills but also financial independence, and is that better than affordable but shittily plywooded furniture? I don’t know! An Actual Car (But It’s Probably Not Pink) (5) faces off against Hating Your Corporate Overlord (12), which may be complicated if you actually like your corporate overlord and/or your car is, in fact, pink. (Bonus points if it’s a dusty rose Karmann Ghia.)

Wearing a Mouthguard to Combat Stress-Grinding (4), well, TMJ is a natural part of adulthood, but is it better than Actually Cleaning Up After Your Pet (13)? Listen, I have two cats and that activity is daily. Meanwhile, I can’t conform that Menopause (6) and thinking that Jake Tapper is Hot (11) don’t have anything to do with each other, but you have one task here and it is to choose which you like more. Love you, Jakey!

Next up is Applying to The Wing (3), that millennial-pink hidey hole in New York City where you can network with other gainfully employed women for a fee, which a lot of people seem to enjoy. But is it better than Getting a Raise (14), which you will probably need to pay your dues at The Wing anyway? It’s up to you. All of that is much better, though, than the twin neuroses of Diapers (7), for when your bladder shits the bed (excuse the term), versus Obsessing That the Things You Don’t Understand Make You an Idiot (10). Which is preferable? We’re not all David Attenborough outchea.

Finally, in this division, we’ve got Not Voting and Feeling Guilt for 20 Years (2), which certainly none of you can relate with, vs. Getting Extremely Tired of Celebrity Gossip (15), which I know you can relate to because you’re reading the website Jezebel dot com, and judging by some of our feedback you’re truly sick of this shit. Guess what? We probably won’t stop writing about the Kardashians anytime in the near future, but now you can vote on it!

Moving on to the Adulthood Play Division:

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First up is Talking Shit on Twitter (8), inarguably one of the most satisfying activities of both adulthood and childhood, up against Short Vacations But With Alcohol (9). If you’re having a tough time choosing between these two frankly fantastic activities, perhaps consider which it might destroy you to give up, and go from there. Equally painful is the choice between Hating Yourself for Eating Candy for Dinner (5) (you secretly love it) versus Wine in a Box (12). UGH, that one kills me!

You might feel the choice between Subtle Foreplay in the Club (4) and Chlamydia (13) is obvious, but as with grinding at school dances, the foreplay can get pretty awk, and the chlamydia is both preventable and curable. (Is this getting dark?) Then we’ve got #NoNewFriends (6), a concept given to us by DJ Khaled, Drake, Lil Wayne Rick Ross which is ironically a pretty robust assemblage of friends, going up against Thinking About Getting Into Meditation (11). Which is a preferable vagary of adulthood? You decide.

Then we’ve got Smoking Cannabis Oil from a Pen (3) versus Flannel Nightgowns (14), which are two things that go together quite nicely, and Forgetting to Wear Makeup (7) versus Live-Action Adaptations of Cartoons (10). Are you trying to Alicia Keys this, or are you trying to Beauty and the Beast this? You tell us.

And finally, we’ve got one of the most satisfying heats on the chart: Attempting Recipes from Pinterest (2) because cooking is FUN (I recently got into cooking), and Going to Bed Hella Early (15), because we need our beauty rest.

You have 24 hours to make your choices! Take a final gander at this full bracket before we make our eliminations and move on to round three!