As has been previously established, the minds behind The Bachelorette don’t consider it the crowning jewel of their franchise. That’s because the men of the show don’t express their emotions as vehemently as the women of The Bachelor, thus downplaying the potential for drama. But they really hit a home run by casting the now-infamous Chad Johnson as the sour cream atop their terrible chili of men.

Monday night’s episode was so chock full of crappy goodness that it didn’t even end in a Rose Ceremony—we’ll see that in a second episode tonight. The episode included several highlights, but entirely revolved around Chad’s dynamic with the other men in the house, culminating in some half-real violence (it was suggested that a security guard was specifically hired to keep an eye on the house because of Chad, and Chris Harrison had an entirely bullshit conversation with him, telling him The Bachelor takes violence very seriously). From the episodes we’ve seen so far and from his social media performance right now, Chad is rocking a great combination of being fully and completely himself in a way that provokes the other men, while also responding perfectly to producer questions during interviews. He’s a showrunner’s dream; just imagine them suggesting to Evan (the former pastor-turned-erectile-dysfunction-specialist with three children) to A) tell a story on the sex stories date what would sadly attempt to make fun of Chad and B) give an ultimatum to JoJo that if she picks Chad, he won’t stick around. Evan, my man: did you really think either of those would work?

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Anyway, here are some good quotes spurred by Chad, who made it through another week because JoJo was probably told he couldn’t be sent home.

  • I actually think Chad has two sides to him: you have the douche, and you also have the asshole. -Evan
  • Chris said there’s no rules. -unknown member of the Greek chorus, after Chad says he doesn’t want to go on the group date and it’s suggested he just “cross his name off the list”
  • Evan, stop talking. -Chad
  • You’re a 27-year-old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather. -Chad to Jordan, who responds weakly with, “Oh, okay.”
  • Alex: I think it’s clear that there’s a solid piece of shit stinking right over there. Chad: Yeah, well there’s a 25-year-old pussy sitting right there. Alex: Yeah, try me bro, try me. You’re the biggest pussy I know. Chad: You’re going to need more tattoos to look like a badass. Alex: Whatever you’re doing, it’s not working. Yeah wha wha wha wha what.
  • All the guys are super excited about this because they want to let [JoJo] know ‘I’ve had sex with a girl before!’ -Chad on the sex stories date
  • Can I get a chest bump dude?! -Alex to all the other guys, after Chad “crashed and burned” on the sex stories date
  • I feel like everybody here is trying to make me come off like I’m a big jerk -Chad
  • Evan: Hey Chad, Chad? I can’t see your face. Chad: That’s cool, what do you want? Evan: Why are you here. Chad: What? Evan: Why. Are. You. Here. Chad: What?
  • You’re like trying to bully me or something. -Chad to Evan
  • I’m not impressed, it’s a parade of losers. -Chad
  • Grant looks like a dude from SpongeBob, that big face that sticks out. -Chad
  • I’m just giving her a breather from all the dudes. Really, it’s like I’m helping her out. I’m like, what’s up! You’re welcome. Here I am. -Chad
  • I’m gonna DVR this and I’m gonna just watch it over and over again and I’m gonna take fine joy in the fact that he’s gonna leave. -Alex on Chad
  • No girl on Planet Earth ever chooses Evan for anything other than to come sweep their front yard. -Chad
  • I don’t get why they’re all happy for each other and they’re going to be all happy to see her in a bathing suit. I’d be happier having her not be in a bathing suit so they couldn’t see her in a bathing suit. I know what she probably looks like, I can see through her dress. -Chad, after a “pool party” is announced
  • Chris: A lot of the guys have mentioned you’re on steroids. Chad: Yeah, there’s no way I could have brought them with me, it’s not possible.
  • Daniel: So let’s pretend you’re Hitler: If I’m friends with you... Chad: Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler. Daniel: So let’s not be so much like Hitler; be like Mussolini, you know.
  • I’m going to cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off and there’s going to be torsos and I’m going to throw them in the pool and I’m going to fuck up this entire damn thing. -Chad

Let’s end with JoJo—the actual lead of this show—shutting Chad down after he’s angry that Evan got the rose on the group date and he didn’t.


Image via ABC.