Liberty University, the conservative Christian college for conservative Christians has just broken ground on an exciting new project! It’s a monolithic tower of manhood that will proudly stand at attention at the center of the University’s campus, straining as far towards heaven as its structure will allow.

The new building will be completely erected by 2017 and will pump God’s love through the entire campus, reminding students that he rains his affection down upon them every time they glimpse its bulging tip thrusting towards the sky. The Freedom Tower will be 275 feet tall and be the tallest building in Lynchburg, Virginia, its height a potent statement that whatever you’ve got, God’s is much bigger.

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University President Jerry Falwell referred to the ceremony devoted to the building’s future as the university’s first “ground blasting” to which about 500 students who had been sent to the college by parents afraid of the real world loudly replied “that’s what she said!”

Falwell, who seems to have a difficult time understanding how buildings work, said that the tower will be unique because “for us, it will point heavenward.” Just like nearly every other structure in the world.

So is it a dick or nah? And should you be worried if you have a class that lasts for more than four hours inside?

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Ed. Note: An earlier version of this post implied that Liberty University students didn’t want to read Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home in class. That was an error. In fact, it is a small number of Duke students who don’t want to read Fun Home. We’re sorry if we offended the many devoted and die-hard Fun Home fans on Liberty U’s campus.


Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.