If You Don't Have A Crush On Brian Williams, You Are Dead Inside

Brian Williams co-hosted The Today Show this morning, where he was served coffee in an oversized mug (hilarious), bantered about Twitter ineptitude (adorable), and kicked it with Gabby Sidibe (sigh/swoon). Like everything the news anchor does, his temporary gig was endearing as hell, and hotdamn did he look handsome. This just in: you have a crush on Brian Williams. You want to have, like, 10,000 of his babies.

For years, I thought I was the only one who was secretly crushing on Brian Williams, until a late night study session in my college dorm’s lounge 8 or so-odd years ago prompted me to admit to a few close friends that he’d always sort of done it for me. Rather than ridicule what I had thought was my unorthodox taste, they admitted that they, too, had been infected with Brian Williams Fever. We never could have predicted that night just how contagious and incurable the fever was.

As Brian Williams’s now-famous sense of humor was more universally showcased, it started becoming less and less weird to admit one’s Williams jones. His appearances on 30 Rock are among the best cameos on a show with no shortage of incredible guest stars. Every conversation between him and Jon Stewart is a national treasure. After he hosted Saturday Night Live in 2007, Facebook groups admiring the comely journalist began popping up. Famous women from Bonnie Hunt to Gabby Siddibe readily admit that their hearts belong to Williams and those eyebrows of his, and men freely confess to having man crushes on him. If you and Brian Williams both called your dog at the same time, your dog would probably run to Brian Williams. I seared with jealousy when I learned that Williams himself paid a visit to the Gawker offices not long ago, where he rubbed elbows with a certain editor of a certain Jalopnik and charmed the pants off everyone who saw him. Rumor has it he smelled of cedar, old spice, and a hint of gunpowder.

Williams seems to be in on the joke, too, appearing in the hilarious Brian Williams Slow Jams The News segment on Late Night alongside Jimmy Fallon.

Fallon, I might add, also probably has a crush on Brian Williams. It would not surprise me in the last if ?uestlove was feeling warm fluttery feelings for the host of the suggestively named upcoming Rock Center newsmagazine, either. Just look at how he gazes at him.

Why are we smitten with Brian Williams? Is it his sense of humor? His obvious intelligence and competence? His smartly tied ties? His sort of lopsided smile? The pleasant, measured, reassuring tone of his voice? Is the result of a national collective Daddy issue? For me, it’s all of the above, plus a smattering of his inimitable charm. That, and the fact that I’m sure he’d be an awesome Balderdash partner. Whatever combination of skill and dark voodoo magic Brian Williams has employed to ingratiate himself to America’s hearts and loins, it’s been devastatingly effective. We’ve all caught Williamsitis, and there is no cure. We urge all of you to remain calm, and stay tuned for more updates as this important story develops.