“I usually wake up at 6:30am,” begins the food diary of Amanda Chantal Bacon, published last May on Elle and currently making the internet rounds again. “[I] start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath set—along with a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes.”

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Tea! I love tea, especially when it comes with needles or calendars! Where am I?

“At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink,” she writes next. A CHI drink! Like the hair straightener, got it. I didn’t know that CHI hair straighteners had 25 grams of plant protein, and also “the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido-boosting powers of Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin.” Very cool! Amanda Chantal Bacon then adds “ho shou wu” and “pearl” and “three Quinton shots.” That sounds like—three names. My three pals! They’re all foodies.

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Later, Bacon eats three tablespoons of “soft and chewy bee pollen” and some “activated cashews”—Scientologists, probably?—and then some “zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon,” which I have heard of, but will never eat after one of my close friends called them “zoodles.”

Next:

I ferment big batches of coconut yogurt and make big batches of raw chocolate spiked with maca and any other medicinal herb I’m focusing on. It’s easy to do, and makes for potent, fast snack food throughout the month.

Same, or the opposite of same.

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Later there is “a mint chip hemp milk with double servings of maca and sprouted brown rice protein, sweetened with stevia, as well as two Goodness Greens juices.” I am not going to look up maca, but I assume it is either a bird or a monkey, which is very avant-garde even for L.A.

Finally, Bacon caps off the big old day with “a nightcap of heart tonic and raw chocolate made from one of my big batches—this one was made with our Moon Pantry heirloom raw cacao, reishi and Chaga mushroom, sprouted brown rice protein, and coconut oil.” Yes, the classic tonic of hearts, reishi and mushrooms. Who would have thought that the American emphasis on purity would have dovetailed with both “women’s issues” as well as the insular dedication to self-improvement made possible by paranoid late capitalism in quite this exact way? I salute Amanda Bacon and her Moon Juices, which I’m sure are delicious. There is nothing quite like bravery that depends first on being afraid.


Contact the author at jia@jezebel.com.

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Image, captioned PLANTS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR TITS, via Moon Juice/Instagram