I Got Drunk on All Kinds of Celebrity Liquor So You Don't Have To

I don’t really like alcohol that much. I mean, I definitely drink it—I like a wine or a cocktail (and a cocktail and a cocktail) on a Friday afternoon—but I’m not one of those people who, say, sips a fine oaky bourbon and is all, “Oh, impudent…aspirational…cryptic…NEEDS MORE LOAM.” I don’t give a shit. Just hurry up and get it down there so I can talk to people like a normal.

Or, better yet, can I just have some chocolate milk and go home and watch Dateline: Real Life Mysteries? I’m so old and tired!

But ANYHOO, ever in search of new ways to make me gag on camera (after the Great Candy Corn Oreo Imbroglio of 2012) my editor decided I should get to the bottom of the never ending stream of celebrity vanity liquor brands. By taking shots of all of them in a row.

So I did it. I drank all the brands of celebrity liquor so you don’t have to.

Well, all of them I could find, at least—which, it turns out, is not very many. Celebrities are good at a lot of things (putting on outfits and yelling, having their own planes, being exhausted, smizing) but liquor distribution, apparently, is not in their wheelhouse. Eventually, following an hour on the phone and a drive to a liquor warehouse by the airport, I tracked down five:

Justin Timberlake’s 901 Tequila
Carlos Santana’s Casa Noble Tequila
Dan Aykroyd’s Crystal Head Vodka
Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Tequila
Diddy’s Ciroc Coconut Flavored Vodka

Watch the video to find out who “won.” Hint: It wasn’t me!

(For those of you who want to cut to the chase, I start drinking the hard stuff at the 2:45 mark.)