Humans 100,000 Years in the Future Will Look Pants-Pissingly Scary

Hey, have you ever wondered what people will look like thousands and thousands of years after you've decomposed to dust and everyone has forgotten your name? Well, wonder no more — thanks to the magic of computers, we now have what one pair of researchers claims is a picture of how our great great great great great great great great great (etc) grandchildren will look: like thebaby in Eraserhead after a Today Show makeover and spray tan.

The terrifying squid-eyed monstrosities you see above were rendered by digital artist Nickolay Lamm and computational geneticist Dr. Alan Kwan, who used images of two 2013 white people, existing knowledge of humans' evolutionary direction, and a whole lot of wild speculation to construct the images of futurepeople.

Dr. Kwan says the "thought experiment" looks a lot like what Miley Cyrus' mom might see if she dropped acid and then stared at herself in a mirror until she went insane because in the future (of Kwan's imagination), humans will spend a lot of time on other planets far away from the sun and thus require gigantic eyes to more efficiently see in low light. Kwan also believes that within in the next 60,000 years or so, humans will be able to control the genome and thus construct themselves in the image and likeness of their favorite Precious Moments figurine unfettered by natural selection. All of this sounds great and not at all horrifying!

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Kwan's findings were met with horror by some and skepticism by others. Over at Forbes, Matthew Herper diplomatically referred to Kwan's work as "science fiction." "Horseshit" was the word one researcher chose to describe the visual theorizing. And, while I'm no science expert, I'd place the human face of the future firmly in the DO NOT WANT category. Can you imagine the sheer enormity and cumbersomeness of putting contacts in those peepers? Christ.

I'm so glad I'll be dead by then.