How Will You Keep Your Vagina Young in 2015?
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I don’t know you, but I have no doubt you’ve got self-improvement goals on the docket for 2015. One you may have overlooked while busy going off sugar or increasing overall beauty by 12 to 18 percent is the fact that your vagina is aging faster than you can say cascading wizard sleeve. What to do?
It’s funny—here you were taking stock of the old meat suit, likely putting most of your energy into fretting over only the stuff people can see, when all along, the danger hiding in your fridge is actually between your legs. Getting older! As I type this. Already older.
Luckily, in an article for Shape written in that cheerful tone that acts like it’s actually doing you a favor by making you feel weird and/or bad (that seems to get recirculated with a new publication date every few months), we learn that there are not just one or two measly things you can do to stave off the grim reaper of your vagina, but seven whole things. Somebody get me an eraser, this New Year’s resolution list just got a whole lot more fun!
Did you know that just as your face begins to sag in a decrepit march toward uselessness, that—surprise!—so does your vagina? Ha, maybe you did know, but did you know it starts in your EARLY TWENTIES? What’s that you say? You’re in your early thirties and your vagina is rarin’ to go? No it isn’t. It’s practically trembling with infirmity. Time to get crucial.
From Shape, via Yahoo! Health, we discover that:
Just as your face starts sagging, so your lady parts will inevitably age over time. One critical difference: There are a million products to help keep your face looking supple, but your vagina is kind of left to fend for itself. “Gynecologists don’t tell women these things are going to happen, and then women come in shocked that their vagina and vulva have completely changed over the course of a couple years,” says Karen Boyle, M.D., an expert in female sexual health and vaginal rejuvenation.
Yeah. Where is a good vagina cream when you need one?? And where is a good gynecologist?!
I can’t believe that when I go to get my annual checkup, that my gyno doesn’t tell me that like the rest of my body and all other living things that have ever existed, that my vagina will also get older. I can’t believe they don’t stop the exam to slip me a pamphlet and say, “Hey, I don’t know if you know this but your vagina? She’s no spring chicken. And I should warn you, she’s on her own when it comes to getting older. That dog will hunt for a while, but only right up until it gets too tired because of how old it is. Thought you should know now, though. In case you want to get started on The Regimen. Your vagina is not going to de-age herself, nosirree. That’s up to you.”
No, see, that is the sort of thing an expert in female rejuvenation would say—a.k.a. a plastic surgeon. That’s who would position your aging vagina as a secret that is plotting against you by simply existing through time and space, a secret only they can help you with by ordering expensive surgical treatments. A woman’s health practitioner or ob-gyn would not do that. I asked one, Alexis Paulson, APN, WHNP-BC.
She said: