How to Survive The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Let’s face it. Everybody in the world is going to go see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. Like seriously, everyone.

Sooner or later you are going to have to face reality and go see it, too. Or you’re going to end up like that one sad co-worker you have in the office who never watched Breaking Bad and always interrupts when everyone is talking about what happened in the last episode with stories about how her hamster had diarrhea last night. Nobody wants to be the hamster diarrhea lady, OK?

Unfortunately for you though, about 67 percent of this movie is about as boring as watching that video of your nephew’s spelling bee your mother keeps sending you that she thinks could make the whole family famous if you would just relent and put it on the website you work for. Except at least in the fourth grade spelling bee you have all the added excitement of finding out how “pumpkin” is actually spelled.

Unless you like watching people perform complex dental surgeries, you need to find a way to survive this movie so you discover why everyone is forcing themselves to sit through it: BECAUSE SMAUG IS FUCKING AWESOME. I mean it. You don’t want to miss him. So, I have tried to help you out here as much as I can with this breakdown of how to watch it.

And yes, from this moment on SPOILER ALERT. OMG I MEAN IT. SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER.

OK. Here’s the thing. You can skip the first half of this movie. Seriously. Just skip it. Trust me, you won’t be lost on any plot points. Basically, they’re trying to get to the lair where Smaug is. That takes a long fucking time. You’re better off staying at home or getting the air filter in your car changed or doing something less mundane like that.

You don’t need to go in the theater right away. You can just buy your ticket and go make awkward small talk to the cute guy at the concession stand for an hour until you realize when he’s talking about “school” he means “high school” and then you can run into the restroom and freak out and promise yourself you are never EVER talking to anyone who looks under 35 ever again in your life.

When you finally recover from that trauma and head into the theater, you don’t need to walk in and go “WHAT DID I MISS??” in that really obnoxious loud whisper voice that still pisses everyone off around you. But for those of you who are real sticklers about plot and character development in your movies, fine, here’s what happens: Hobbit walks, Elves talk, Dwarves fight, Pointless Legolas, Evangeline Lilly. I just saved you about an hour and 45 minutes and a whole fuckton of times you will fall asleep, start snoring and get jabbed in your ribcage by the elbow of a cranky man dressed in an “I JUST DESOLATED ALL OVER YOUR SMAUG” t-shirt. You’re welcome.

Now pay attention. When you see the people meet the guy on the lake with the boat (Bob? Was his name Bob? I should really Google this.) who takes them to his house, be ready, because once they sort out all this drama and Bob tells the story of why he’s all sad and moody and Evangeline Lilly and Pointless Legolas kill a bunch of orcs, then they are heading off to go climb into the lair where freaking Smaug lives!

YES. FINALLY. SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL.

So here’s Smaug. Poor Smaug, man. This dragon dude just wanted to sleep underneath his piles of gold and be left alone. He’s not trying to bother anybody. He’s not trying to be all up in everybody’s business like that damn nosy Gandalf running all around Middle Earth on crazy quests for shit nobody asked for in the first place. Smaug just wants to chill and maybe get a pizza later if nothing good is on TV. He’s basically me on a Saturday. Smaug just wants to sleep in until 3 p.m. and maybe catch up on his day drinking.

But nope. Just like me when my relatives are visiting, Smaug can’t just fucking sleep the day away. He’s gotta get up and talk about stupid shit. “Oh hey I like how you’re doing the trim on the siding of the house there. That looks real sturdy. I bet it holds up well during rain storms.” OMG I DONT CARE. This is totally Smaug’s life. Bilbo is your dweeby uncle from Michigan who visits you in California and doesn’t want to go to the beach or a club, but instead spends the entire time talking to you about how much money he saved in gas because he really monitored the air pressure in his tires this year.

Hopefully, as soon as you see him, you know now to sit the fuck down, put your Raisenettes away and pay attention. Because when this dragon busts out of the gold and shows his full self, you will remember what is like to have an immortal soul that has once gazed upon the face of a flawless, almighty being.

This dragon is the most baddest-ass looking thing since fucking ever. Smaug isn’t a dragon. No. Puff The Magic Dragon is a fucking dragon. Smaug is the DeLorean from Back To The Future riding a surfboard on a monsoon wave, leaping on to a giant rocket driven by James Bond. I’m not overstating that. If Smaug was a comment on the Internet, he would be “girl, fuck your cupcakes.”

Now, you don’t have to worry about falling asleep for the rest of the movie. Because this shit is SO GOOD. They dip him in freaking gold, y’all. MOTHERFUCKING GOLD SMAUG. FUCK ALL THE OTHER THINGS FOREVER.

You know, why did we even have to sit through all that other stuff? Why can’t Smaug just get his own film? Come on Hollywood! Give Smaug his own movie! No one gives a shit about the damn Hobbit! THE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE MORE SMAUG.

To help future film producers and writers out with this, I have provided many viable suggestions for possible Smaug spin-offs:

Smaug 2: Electric Boogaloo
Smaugin’!
Smaug Scared Stupid
Must Love Smaugs
Sleepless in Smaug
Runaway Smaug
No Country For Old Smaugs
How Smaug Got His Groove Back
That’s My Smaug!
Smaug’s All That
There’s Something About Smaug
You’ve Got Smaug
Howard the Smaug
Meet The Smaugs
They Call Me Mr. Smaug
Smaug Does Dallas
Gigli
Smaug-In-Law
Ghost Smaug
I Was A Teenage Smaug
Blame It On Smaug!