How Much Weird Sex Can the Fifty Shades Movie Even Show?

We're all VERY excited about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, as the chance to see some real live fake sex on the big screen just doesn't come often enough. To that end, we're also very concerned that some of the best real live fake sex from the book won't make it on to the big screen, as the filmmakers have indicated that they will be gunning for an R rating from the Motion Picture Association of America.

It's sex acts that typically garner movies an NC-17 rating, while violence can get as violent as it wants and no one really bats an eye, an issue discussed heavily in This Film is Not Yet Rated. The problem Fifty Shades faces is that it's heavy on the sex, light on the violence, which has been the kiss of death for movies in the past that want to be seen by more than one or two pervs. Here are some movies that have made it through the MPAA bizarre rating system unscathed and others that were sliced and diced. We can learn important lessons from all of them. And yes, some spoilers abound.

Things that Have Made it into R-Rated Movies

  • Guy snorts mountain of cocaine and then gets hit on by his sister (Scarface)
  • Such violent sex on a staircase that the female character has weird bruising all over her back afterwards (A History of Violence)
  • A woman's eye is plucked out and stomped on (Kill Bill)
  • 11-year-old girl is attacked and beaten by grown men (Kick-Ass)
  • Um that scene where that dude gets shot in the car. Horrifying. (Pulp Fiction)
  • Anything from any of the Saw films
  • A man's penis is bitten off by a fish and goes flying through the air (Piranha)
  • Dude's ear is cut off (Reservoir Dogs)
  • Anal sex lubed up with butter (Last Tango in Paris)
  • Man gets down with a wound on a woman's leg (Crash, the 1996 version)
  • Woman gets raped, begins to enjoy it (Straw Dogs)

Things That Have Not

  • More than a hint of Sharon Stone's vagina (Basic Instinct)
  • The stuff that made it into the R-rated cut of American Psycho
  • Women receiving any kind of oral sex play or pleasure of any kind (Blue Valentine)
  • Female pubic hair (The Cooler)
  • People even joking about sex too much (Clerks)
  • Making a porn (Zack and Miri Make a Porno)
  • Even just the word Deep Throat (Deep Throat)
  • Threesomes, even consensual ones (Y Tu Mama Tambien)
  • Threesomes involving a brother and a sister (The Dreamers)
  • Mark Wahlberg's real penis (Boogie Nights)

Well there you have it. This film's best hope for an R rating is if Dakota Johnson is a good enough actor that she can pretend that she hates it when Charlie Hunnam pulls a tampon out of her vagina. Now let's take bets on the odds these two will get together IRL during filming because of their admitted "tangible chemistry."