Reddit Users Offer Hilariously Bad Advice on How to Train a Woman

Women: who can figure them out? We’re an endless series of bloody tubes bound together by a glue made up of getting mad for no reason and, I don’t know, feelings? Nail art? Cat video induced squeals? Olivia Pope coat envy? Thankfully, one Reddit community exists to decode — and tame — the elusive human female.

Normally, I’d just let a post on Reddit’s AskTheRedPill forum go uncommented-upon because its entire raison d’etre is to make socially awkward manchildren feel powerful as they pave their paths to loneliness with a misogynistic pursuit of sex with halfway willing partners who haven’t experienced enough life to know any better. And, you know, as long as the Red Pill denizens are not hitting on me in bars or on the street or on the train, they can go ahead and keep being mad at women from the safety of their own sexless lairs. But this particular Q&A piqued my curiosity; as a woman, I thought it would be helpful for me and people like me to know how, exactly, it is that we’re being trained. I could have been subjected to rigorous training for years and have no idea!

First, the original question posed by an inquisitive Redditor,

I’ve seen some people refer to training a woman you’re dating or perhaps have entered into a LTR with. I am curious to hear some techniques or peruse some resources that focus on this topic. Got any?

Most of the answers rely on techniques I utilized when I volunteered with animal shelter dogs back in Chicago. Dogs don’t understand English, you see, and it’s very difficult for humans to learn Doglish, and thus the best way to communicate with dogs is to reward them with love when they’re behaving and shun them when they’re not. Same principles apply, I guess, when you’re training a woman.

Reward behavior you approve of with eye contact, smiles, and other positive reinforcement. Punish behavior you disapprove of with physical, social, or emotional withdrawal. It doesn’t take many instances to establish a pattern.

Bitches is bitches, amirite? (high fives own face)

Thankfully, a voice of reason soon comes along to inject some pragmatism into the discussion.

If youre going into a long term relationship then you have to realize that it isn’t going to just be her that is trained. She is training you while you train her. You train each other in what you both like sexually and what kind of behaviors are intolerable/preferred. I for one won’t allow tears to be used against me as a weapon. I won’t allow her to be a dead starfish in bed. I won’t allow her hitting me when she’s angry etc. The techniques are pretty simple. You just explain it to her that if this behavior keeps up then there will be consequences. That’s how I’ve done it.

Sorry; I said “voice of reason” when I meant to say “voice of sociopathy.” “I won’t allow tears to be used against me as a weapon?” — Are you playing a video game against a female character whose main power is poison tears she can shoot from her face? “I won’t allow her to be a dead starfish in bed?” — How… how do you know how it feels to fuck a dead starfish?

Here’s some cool advice on how to change the behavior of a person you’re going out with: if they’re doing something you don’t like, tell them. Or leave a dead echinoderm in their bed. They’ll get the hint.