Hilarious 8-Year-Old Writes an Epic Amazon Review

I’m kind of lukewarm on the “wacky Amazon review” school of comedy at this point—the first umpteen iterations were amusing, but after so much manufactured wackiness you start to crave some genuine wackiness, you know? That’s why I can’t stop reading this Amazon review of Ramona Quimby, Age 8, which appears to have been written by the world’s most plucky and hilarious (and off-topic) actual 8 year old.

Maya might be “so small that people think [she’s] a baby,” but she has the BOLD HEART OF A GIANT. In her 5-star Ramona review, Maya takes us on an epic tale of heartbreak and resilience. I really can’t do it justice—you should just read for yourself:

It’s not my the first time in the world!, June 18, 2013

So my name is Maya I”m 8. And I”m very small so small that people think I”m a baby. Yep that’s how basically my life is. So far so bad.

Going to the park with my friend. Sofia she’s like tall as a me. So I”m at the park and people ask are you a baby. And me and Sofia shout out it’s not our first time in the world!!! And some teens come by and start to point and laugh. We ask why are you pointing and laughing at us? The teens say cause you to are 8 and your size baby size. And two teens named Avery and Angelina say what you 2 get your clothes baby clothes! Here comes the laughter again. So I”m at home asleep with mom and dad. Bored tired and hate my life those words the two teens Avery and Angelina baby clothes I have a older sister who’s 16 and she says when I am a teen I be the size of a kid. She’s not a size of a baby but now I know who cares about any size or clothes. TWO DAYS LATER. Now remember when I said who cares about any size or clothes. Well I do so does Sofia. Cause yesterday our parent’s and sister started to make fun of us. Like my family said come in little baby and started to laugh like crazy. And Sofia”s family said this is crazy a baby stranger is here. RUDE!!! So my life won’t change that much and Sofia”s won’t either. But we’ll figure a way out. Fine we didn’t know a way out. But we dealt with it. THE END!!!!

Dude, fuck Avery and Angelina and Sofia’s family! YOUR MOM’S A BABY STRANGER, SOFIA’S FAMILY.

Now, I guess this could be fake. But the only other review from Maya’s account was written six years ago by a mom saying her 2-year-old loves her race car bed. THE MATH ADDS UP, PEOPLE. And if someone set up an Amazon account in 2007 just to lay the foundation for a hilarious fake post about baby clothes six years later, then that is a long con I respect.

And whether it’s real or not, I’m taking Maya’s words as my mantra for 2014: You might not know a way out, but you deal with it. Even if your size baby size. THE END!!!!