Here's the Giant Dragon Dildo You've Been Writing Erotic Fan-Fic About

Human sexuality is a wonderful and many-faceted thing. As I learned in the pornography class I took my sophomore year in college (the year that every college student changes their major to sexuality studies and dreams of writing a sex column for the school newspaper), people get off on a variety of things, including watching pornography in a group setting and then kind of sneaking out of the classroom with a notebook covering the wet spot that 9 Songs just gave you*. But dragon dildos? That's a whole new and exciting and NSFW role-playing adventure!

Monster marital aids aren't anything particularly new (when my partner and I first started dating we argued over the relative merits of the vampire-fanged fleshlight we discovered in a sex store), but what separates dragon dildos from the rest of the Weyr is the fact that they're lovingly crafted and come with explicit backstories. And, of course, many of the dildos available from Bad Dragon come with their very own cumtubes. Just in case you were wondering.

Here's the Giant Dragon Dildo You've Been Writing Erotic Fan-Fic About

Bad Dragon, which has been crafting the dragon-realistic dildos since 2008 was jut profiled on The Daily Dot and one of the owners of the business described the toys as unisex, made not for men or women, but for anyone (and everyone) who has ever asked the question "What would it feel like to be deep-dicked by a dragon?" (Please assume all links NSFW beyond this point.) (Do not enter unless you are a level thirteen mage.)

"Instead of marketing specifically to men or women, we focus on the common factor between them all: people who really like fantasy characters, and who want to make their fantasies real," Varka, one of Bad Dragon's cofounders, told me via email. "We see a lot of variety in the kinds of customers that buy and use our toys, and easily as much variation in how people choose to use them."

And some people use the dildos in ways that you would have never expected. Or, you know, completely expected because we are all five-year-olds.

Varka added, "We hear people like to hit each other with the dragon dildos."

I mean, what else are you going to do, really?

The best thing about each sex toy (not all are dragons, some are Chimeras) is that each comes with a backstory that shows off each mythical creature's complex internal world; Every dragon dildo has lived an adventure long before it breathes fire-life into your orifices.

Take for instance, Apollo, a Chimera who's tough on the outside, but lonely on the inside. He's like one of the bad boys from the original Degrassi, intimidating at first, but vulnerable and tender on the inside:

Here's the Giant Dragon Dildo You've Been Writing Erotic Fan-Fic About

The Chimera steps toward you, his keen senses surveying you as he makes a sideways approach. The creature displays powerful rippling muscles, glossy fur, and and two large horns cresting his proud brow as he steps once more across your path. You realize that he's backed you in a slow circle, and your only means of escape now lies beyond him instead of behind you.

With a quick motion, he flops down on his back... giving you full access to his underbelly. As a coy smile crosses the tawny muzzle, you hear his deep rumbling voice call out to you, "It's been a while since anyone came to visit! How about some belly rubs? Unless you have something else you'd rather do…"

That's right, here's a Chimera so lonely that he'll allow you to do anything you want to him just so your visit can be a little longer. While this is obviously a draw for some, this Chimera just wouldn't do it for me. Someone so eager would be a turn-off. No, if I wanted to enjoy a dance with dragons, I'd need someone a little bit more robust, a little bit more busy, a dragon with a job and a briefcase and a car. Someone a little like Flint:

Here's the Giant Dragon Dildo You've Been Writing Erotic Fan-Fic About

Meet Flint – the lead member of Bad Dragon's Package Wranglers! He's rough, he's tough, and fights renegade toys into submission, managing to fit even the largest into tight places in an orderly fashion. Flint's prior experience as a private shipping courier makes him a valuable part of our team… but handling boxes isn't Flint's only encounter with huge packages.

Flint loves to relax after a long day at the Shop by spending time in the Recreation Center, and he isn't shy about showing off the other reason he's part of our team. He's loud, proud, and uncut – Flint is one of our first few models that features intact foreskin. Flint boasts a thick and girthy shaft covered in prolific plates, stimulating studs, and tantalizing textures galore. We still haven't been able to figure out how he keeps it in his pants. (Every time we ask, he just grins ferally and brushes it off as a Package Wrangler secret.)

Mysterious and rough! I like that!

Most of the toys are fully customizable, letting the buyer choose size and color as well as an optional cumtube that allows the toy to ejaculate a "Slick, slippery, stringy and white-tinted" substance that has to be injected with a syringe that is sold separately. The Cumlube is sold individually, or as a pack of eight for the more adventurous among us.

No one knows what a real dragon dick looks like (yet), but Varka told The Daily Dot that the fact that one gets to choose for themselves whether Apollo or Flint are accurate phallic depictions of magical beasts is all part of the experience.

"When we come up with a design and put a character behind it, we typically give it just enough life of its own for people to identify with it—but intentionally leave plenty of room for people to develop their own characters, fantasies or situations to enjoy," Varka wrote. "It's about imagination, and taking your fantasies to a place of *your* choosing."

*That particular gentleman never came back to class.

Images via Bad Dragon