Here is The Woman Kanye, Katy Perry, and Other Celebrities Pay to Bite Them (Professionally)

Here is a new entry into the “weird things celebrities spend actual money on while the only savings account I have is the jar of change on my desk” category: a masseuse who gives deep-tissue massages to stars like Kanye and Katy Perry—with her teeth.

For over three decades, Dorothy Stein—a woman who is not even a vampire or an anglerfish—has kneaded the shoulders of celebrity musicians with her actual bicuspids, incisors, and whatever the rest are called. Unfortunately, Frank Zappa gave her the endearing-but-plain nickname “Dr. Dot,” which disappoints me; Frank Zappa, you could’ve done better.

“Massage and music [were] instilled in me early on,” she told Billboard in a post earlier today. According to Stein, she developed her unorthodox form of therapy after following the advice of her mother, who “instructed her to bite her back as a child for a more intense massage.”

The masseuse embarked on her career in 1983, beginning with the subject of my least-favorite made-for-TV movie syndicated on VH1 in the early aughts, Def Leppard.

“I went to every Def Leppard show and massaged them,” recounted Stein. “I built a network with those people and eventually started massaging bands to get into shows.”

Massaging. Network. With. Def. Leppard. Are there words to describe the feeling that happens after conjuring this visual? Merkvershencoopaghhh. There. I made up the word. (The “paghhh” is guttural.)

Since then, Stein’s business has significantly grown: her past and present clientele include Eminem, David Bowie, Courtney Love, and Robert Plant.

Despite the rappers, rockers, and divas she caters to, not everyone is a fan of Stein’s practices. “[About] 10 to 15 percent of human bite wounds become infected by bacteria. There is also the potential for transmission of viruses like hepatitis B.” said Dr. Holly Phillips, a CBS medical contributor and the author of self-care book The Exhaustion Breakthrough, giving every germophobe and/or hypochondriac reading this post a heart attack.

But Stein has words for the haters, apparently:

“I’m not just going to bite someone,” she explains. “Mariah Carey didn’t want it. She’s a germophobe.”

Oh good then.

[Billboard]

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The trailer for Fox’s remake of the 1973 camp classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show dropped at Comic Con earlier today. (From what I can tell, scores of other news sites all made an in-joke about how it premiered after much “antici...PATION.” I refuse to do that.)

So, it looks very...meta?

Whether the whole production turns out to be a triumph or a flop after it’s released on Halloween later this year, I am very here for Goddess™ Laverne Cox and those pink sequined laboratory gloves.

[Observer]

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• “I love murder shows,” said Gwyneth Paltrow, a woman who is at least 73.5% regurgitated water-soaked almonds, at a dinner party she co-hosted with Mario Batali. I imagine she would say this in a calm and composed manner before actually murdering someone. [Vanity Fair]
• Crystal Hefner has removed her breast implants after battling breast implant illness. [Page Six]
• Oliver Stone is InfoWars-ing the fuck out of Pokémon Go. [JustJared]
• Did you guys know that Pink wrote a song for Celine Dion, and Celine Dion recorded it? Was Satan the producer? [People]