Welcome to the 5th or 6th most glamorous red carpet of the year, THE EMMYS!!! So many television stars! So much fashion! Join me as I shepherd you through this tasteful mess.

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First up:

Heidi Klum is serving up a very yellow, very homemade-looking yellow sparkler from Atelier Versace, of course! Then we have Transparent’s Amy Landecker in a gold textured creation that looks great with her skin; Sarah Hyland in a simple but great marsala-hued Zac Posen; and Jaimie Alexander, whose Armani Prive dress I love but frankly I have no idea who she is (upon further research, it appears she starred in the 2006-2009 smash ABC Family hit Kyle XY).

Actress/comedian Lauren Lapkus looks cute and simple; god help me but I kind of like Giuliana’s slinky rose-colored gown; Reno 911’s Niecy Nash has the glamour nailed but is drowning, somewhat, in this overly embellished dress; and Joanna Newsom and Andy Samberg are looking very ~interesting~ and ~hip~ with the former in Delpozo and Samberg, this evening’s host, in a pretty cool and subtle houndstooth tux.

Not a huge fan of Kristen Schaal’s dress, ugh, she really needed to get that shit taken in or, I don’t know, completely redone; Teyonah Parris is doing some Flamenco-inspired thing here which was certainly a very festive choice; Aubrey Plaza looks meh here but amazing and sleek on TV; Jamie Lee Curtis’s dress is kind of bland but I mean, look at her, she does not give a SHIT what we think! Which I applaud.

Laverne Cox is wearing a boring-ass Calvin Klein but she does look good so whatever, while Kate McKinnon is going down the super-simple comfy route which, I mean, it’s the Emmys, I respect that. But DEAR GOD ANNA CHLUMSKY WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU?!?! Is it a dart board? Is it a DNA strand? And what happened to her hair? This woman got mangled and it is truly atrocious. Versus Taraji P. Henson, whose chain-embellished Alexander Wang is quietly ferocious and a real A+ win.

Laura Prepon has consistently bad taste, I’m sorry, that’s a mean thing to say, but I am nothing if not Real. Trevor Noah and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (whose name I have to look up every single time without fail) are looking foxy and fine, and Amanda Peet is absolutely dreamy looking, and beautifully styled, to boot.

This dress is not Retta’s best, but the colors are great on her; Tatiana Maslany is doing the sexy suit thing and not toooootally pulling it off (although it looks much better on camera), the color washes her out and the pants do not fit; Scandal’s Nazanin Boniadi is giving us a strange look here but at least she escaped Scientology; and I really like the idea of Kiernan Shipka’s look here, by Dior, but the pants/shoes don’t quite work. Open toe, girl!

Padma Lakshmi is absolutely MOWING DOWN THE COMPETITION in this gorgeous chartreuse gown, she is the goddess of our time and I highly recommend following her on Instagram; Zoe Kazan is in a dizzying belted halter dress that I’m pretty into; Chelsea Peretti is in a confusing printed illusion gown by Gabriela Cadena; Gwendolyn Christie is serving up hardcore silent screen star eleganza and it’s pretty fabulous.

Danielle Brooks is a bird of paradise in this custom dual-toned Christian Siriano; Naomi Grossman, who played PEPPER ON AMERICAN HORROR STORY, is giving us so much attitude and I’m loving it; Penelope Ann Miller, from American Crime, is going the Giuliana route in this gold gown; and the Game of Thrones pussy posse John Bradley-West, Alfie Allen and Conleth Hill (aka Sam, Reek, and Varys, holla!!) are serving this red carpet with some fierce actor-ly glares.

Jane Lynch is very Jane Lynch; OITNB’s Dascha Polanco is a little bit prom-y; I am supremely freaked out by Fred Armisen and girlfriend Natasha Lyonne’s couplehood but I guess they look good; Carrie Brownstein is completely stunning and somehow not dripping with sweat in the 99 degree weather.

Uzo Aduba looks fabulous, although she could have done without the jewelry; Damien Lewis and Helen McCrory are perhaps the chillest couple here, I TREASURE Helen’s decision to wear sunglasses; Julia Louis-Dreyfus is low-key but, again, it’s the Emmys, you can’t really blame her; and Regina King is super-super-structured and slightly cupcake-y, but I don’t hate it!

Orange is the New Black crowd is pretty up-and-down so far on this carpet, but Samira Wiley is really winning thus far on the pink front. Emma Myles, Abigail Savage, and Taryn Manning aren’t doing it for me, though.

My colleague Julianne and I got into a little back-and-forth about Amy Poehler’s new hair color, but eventually came to the conclusion that it’s great; her dress is also super flattering and those bangles are very cool. Um, hey, what’s up, Alan Cumming? What on earth is going on here? Are those clogs? Is that an umbrella? I love it. Jessica Pare and Yael Stone are very floaty and pink, which is apparently THE color of the evening.

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And here, in case you were wondering, is a clearer shot of Fred Armisen and his Freddy Krueger claw:

Next up:

Claire Danes in a chain-embellished purple Prada gown that is truly chic and badass, if not completely flattering; Gina Rodriguez is, according to Julianne, “quinceanera as fuck” in this perfectly fitted Lorena Sarbu embroidered gown; Sophie Turner looks hot n’ sleek and very grown-up; and goddamn it, Jessica Lange. GOD DAMN IT. What an inspiration.

Taylor Schilling looks beyoootiful in this bright asymmetrical gown by Stella McCartney (I love the hem!); UGH Lena Headey is KILLING ME in a GOOD WAY with this dress by Zuhair Murad; Naomi Watts and Liev Schrieber are cute as heck; Lady Gaga is still doing her (gasp!) normal (gasp!) thing and she looks great, frankly; the gown is by Brandon Maxwell.

Ellie Kemper is in a fun geometric shift; Maisie Williams looks amazing and check out those fuzzy shoes, this gal is having fun; this color is great on Tracee Ellis Ross but the design is, let’s be honest, pretty weird; Sofia Vergara is vamping it up as literally always but this custom St. John gown is especially nice.

Emma Roberts is doing a nice Old Hollywood thing and somehow pulling off that dress even though it should have washed her out; dang I very much dislike Maggie Gyllenhaal’s dress, although the color is very striking; I can’t really remember a time when I didn’t like a January Jones red carpet look, and tonight is no different—but the real winner in this group is Kerry Washington in a silver embellished Marc Jacobs dress. Her dresses are usually much more structured, and generally satin, and I VERY much prefer this jazzy route. DO YOU HEAR ME, KERRY?!

Jill Soloway is wearing my number one favorite look of the entire evening, WOW, this woman is the absolute fucking bomb. Adam Driver looks very intense and important here with his girlfriend Joanne Tucker; Jane Krakowski’s red carpet hunch and smize combo is truly a sight to behold; and finally, Elizabeth Moss rocking the hue of the evening in a simple Oscar de la Renta dress.

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And that’s all, folks! Let dreams of Padma light your way on this starry evening.


Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.

Images via Getty.