If you're like a lot of people who wanted to watch the True Detective finale Sunday night on HBO Go, the cable network's on demand service, this is what you were watching instead of one of the best television finales ever.
Don't feel bad though (OK, you probably feel really, really bad) because you weren't alone in your torment. The site crashed at the worst possible time ever, leaving thousands (millions? BILLIONS? SUPERBAJILLIONS?) of people without a way to see the highly anticipated ending of the season. HBO Go responded as all corporations do, with passionate, sympathetic words that let everyone know they feel your pain, man:
Due to overwhelmingly popular demand for #TrueDetective, we've been made aware of an issue affecting some users. Please try again soon.
— HBO GO (@HBOGO) March 10, 2014
So naturally, people turned off their electronic devices and opted to spend some quality time with friends and loved ones. They wrote poems, composed songs and painted breathtaking landscapes. Hundreds of thousands of people flocked into the city streets, joining hands and singing beautiful folk tunes of love and human kindness.
No, actually none of that shit happened. People got on Twitter and let loose. If you thought the drama during the show was high, wait till you read some of these tweets! Oh what am I saying, you don't know about the drama because you're still trying to get your HBO Go to load. Sorry. My bad. But take it from me, Rust and Marty's final showdown with the killer was EXACTLY LIKE all these tweets. (So really, you're not missing anything! You're welcome.):
umm, finale of true detective not showing up on my hbo go and freaking out a little. anyone else having this issue? HELP!!
— amandacobra (@amandacobra) March 10, 2014
True detective crashed hbo go I can't watch the finale!!! Send help. SOS!
— Linsey Shively (@lizinsey) March 10, 2014
— Vasudevan Panicker (@Vasudevan_NYC) March 10, 2014
Others were able to maintain their composure through the agony, waxing poetically on the state of things to come.
Worried this is what I'll look like by the time HBOGO loads the True Detective finale pic.twitter.com/pl9kTycI2j
— Jake Laperruque (@JakeLaperruque) March 10, 2014
True Detective finale broke HBO Go. Cool. Unless you wanted to see it.
— Sherry Coben (@sherrycoben) March 10, 2014
Which did True Detective break? A) HBOGO B) Comcast Xfinity C) My soul D) All of the Above pic.twitter.com/kXDoUoX3rh
— Sonya Yu (@sonyayu) March 10, 2014
At this point it’s a race for whether HBO Go or the Pirate Bay gets the TRUE DETECTIVE finale up first.
— Sam Adams (@SamuelAAdams) March 10, 2014
Some took desperate measures:
— Michael M. Hughes (@michaelmhughes) March 10, 2014
The crash did generate some good conspiracy theories (Everyone on Tumblr, please follow up on these; kthanks)
True genius of True Detective = making everyone decide to spring for HBO since purloined HBO GO is crashing. #notthatIwouldeverpurloinHBOGO
— Rebecca Burns (@RebeccaBurns) March 10, 2014
HBO Go is The Yellow King.
— Heather Schmelzlen (@anchorlines) March 10, 2014
— Matt Chaban (@MC_NYC) March 10, 2014
Yellow King = anagram for "lowly eking." The whole series is clearly a commentary on HBO GO.
— Jane Miller (@MillerJane1) March 10, 2014
Neil DeGrasse Tyson is the Yellow King murdering an HBO show so go watch his the end.
— Ned Raggett (@NedRaggett) March 10, 2014
Thanks hbo go for ruining my life. This is a government conspiracy I'm convinced
— Matt Domboski (@Ragnar_Dombrok) March 10, 2014
Well, looks like there is a silver lining for HBO after all! At least they got a new logo out of it:
HBO GO has a brand new logo, just in time for the True Detective Finale — check it out! pic.twitter.com/Vls3qhZ89B
— Paula Wirth (@paulawirth) March 10, 2014
"Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?" [BANGS ON MIC]
According to a post from the Wall Street Journal on Sunday night, HBO did not respond to requests for a comment on the situation. Or maybe their phones/email are down, too. Who knows!
That sound you hear is the laughing from all the people who opted to watch Cosmos last night. Not me though. I'm not laughing at you guys. I'm too engrossed re-watching the finale I recorded from HBO on my DVR.
Image via HBO Go.