When you’re a Goop-ert (what Goop newsletter devotees call themselves, I would think), your days are likely filled with a packed schedule of facial and vaginal steaming, several hours of vegetable chopping and zoodling, followed by an evening of sipping alkaline water out of a wine glass while cradling a jade egg in your perineum. It’s an exhausting life, but a full one, and yet still—something’s off.
According to Goop, that something isn’t caused by the crushing sameness of everyday wealth; it’s actually due to to a vitamin deficiency. Any fucking vitamin—you don’t have enough of it. So, they launched something called Goop Wellness: four curated vitamin packs designed to treat a variety of symptoms related to being alive that mindful douching just can’t fix.