If you have just descended to Earth from above, like John Travolta as the eponymous character in 1996's hit movie Michael, the selfie is a picture you take of yourself with a mobile phone in order to produce a self-portrait that looks like your more attractive, possibly Robo-tripping cousin.
The ubiquity of the selfie is such that we've received an email from one Richard Chaffoo, M.D., a San Diego plastic surgeon who has plenty of costly tips for you on how to be the best fake illusion of yourself that you can be. Go on, Chaffoo.
Do the Kardashian Gaze. Kim Kardashian has mastered the selfie gaze. You know the one – the sultry stare into the camera that involves smiling not only with your mouth but through using your eyes. “Making eye contact with the lens and raising your eyebrows are the most important rules for taking the perfect selfies,” says Dr. Chaffoo. He recommends Botox for elimination of wrinkles around the eyes (crows feet) and forehead; and between the eyes (also known as the 11’s – the vertical wrinkles between your eyebrows).
The DIY Version: Cut out eye, nose and mouth holes in a large piece of Saran Wrap and place it over your visage. Leave it on for the next week. Sit in front of your computer and look, dead-eyed, at fashion websites. Take a fearless moral inventory of your life. On the final day of the Wrap, look a pigeon in the eye. It will tell you of its journey. You will be indescribably moved. Take a selfie.
Go Ahead, Pucker. There's no easier way to amp up your sex appeal than with a sexy smooch. But if you weren’t born with full, sultry lips like Sofia Vergara or Scarlett Johansson, Dr. Chaffoo recommends injectable fillers to lips like Juvederm.
The DIY version: Hit the bar, girl! Do 5 shots of Bombay Sapphire, raw egg and bee venom. (Just ask for "MC Chaffoo's Hottttness Fluid." They'll know.) Start talking — but really, garbling, since your lips are already expanding to three times their natural size due to infection — to the guy next to you. Realize dimly that he was your supervisor at a dumb job you had in college. Have a spring wedding. Give birth to two beautiful children, one of whom is dyslexic. Move to Great Neck. Take a selfie.
The “Make-Under.” From Beyonce to Lady Gaga, celebrities are sharing their bare-faced photos with the world via Instagram and Twitter. “Seeing a star without makeup was once only possible thanks to stalker paparazzi – now celebrities are shedding their makeup and showing off their natural selves albeit with flawless and radiant skin,” says Dr. Chaffoo. Ready for your next make-under selfie? Dr. Chaffoo recommends a microdermabrasion such as the Derma Peel. The Derma Peel microdermabrasion gently exfoliates the dead skin layer without penetrating beneath the skin's surface. The FDA-approved Derma Peel mechanism can remove sun damaged skin, stretch marks, fine wrinkles and lines, enlarged pores, age spots, acne, hyperpigmentation and oily skin on almost any part of the body.
The DIY Version: Remove all of your makeup with soap and water. Spend an invigorating night in with your girlfriends, melting the hot wax of an entire 100-pack of tealights onto your face while watching Giada At Home. Exfoliate with cat litter.
Call Sensei Chaffoo and tell him that you have achieved the highest level of consciousness. To get the rest of the toxins out, weep with a mixture of relief and exhaustion. Take a selfie.
You got this, girl!