It was at my six-weeks-postpartum appointment that someone in the birth world finally admitted what we all fear to be true: vaginal birth can ruin your vagina, even might ruin it—and, in my case, did. The doc inserted the type of speculum she’d always used on me in the past, then took it back out, turned to the nurse, and said, “The other one.”
“Other what?” I squeaked out, the fluorescent lights suddenly casting an accusatory glow on my splayed legs.
“Oh, I just need the other speculum. Childbirth… changes things.”
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
Here are all the other ways I’d noticed a change. At the gym, I couldn’t tell if I was doing crunches right because I’d lost the mind-body connection between my brain and pelvis. During sex, I’d try to tighten up around the penis (one of my specialties prior to baby) and didn’t feel like I was accomplishing anything. I’d stick a finger up there and it felt okay from the finger’s perspective but like nothing from the vagina’s. Sometimes, when I’d laugh or cough or pick my baby up too fast, a little bit of pee would spill out. The last straw came when I peed my pants at Coachella this year, unable to make the trek to port-a-pottys across a mile-wide field after a few glasses of white wine. I remember thinking, “I’m only 37, for fuck’s sake. I can’t live like this.”
So I did what any of us would do: called Brandi Glanville’s vagina repair dude. Brandi—star of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, ex-wife of LeAnn Rimes’ husband—talks about the miracle Dr. Matlock performed on her pussy in her bestselling memoir, Drinking & Tweeting. She took now-infamous revenge on her cheating ex, Eddie Cibrian, by charging the procedure to his credit card. “A brand-new vagina would be an Eddie-free vagina…. I decided that since Eddie had ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one.” Go Brandi. Get it girl.
Dr. Matlock is an OB/GYN who pioneered the procedure in the late ‘90s. You may remember him from early episodes of E!’s Dr. 90210—he’s the doc who operated on his own wife. Matlock initially developed what is now called Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation to cure urinary stress incontinence, but a happy side effect was that it tightens up the muscles and “restores youth” to your hoo-ha. This video, now 10 years old, is a good primer on the surgery:
I’m lucky enough to live in Los Angeles where he is based, so heading to his Beverly Hills office for a consultation was easy.Here’s the scene in the waiting room: there are two beige—BEIGE—leather—LEATHER—couches for seating, and framed press clippings cover the walls. Brandi’s book is propped up on the window sill, pertinent pages marked with Post-Its. The first two times I visited, the only other women waiting were in hijabs. One had who I assumed to be her sister and either a brother or brother-in-law with her; both women were draped in black while the dude wore a polo shirt and jeans and talked on the phone the whole time. I overheard the nurse chatting with all three of them about re-hymenization, an even newer procedure that’s being used to re-virginize religious women in order to turn them back into marriage material. As the patient was filling out forms, she came to one that asks if she would allow the doctor to use photos of her procedure for educational purposes. She showed it to her male chaperone and he said “No, absolutely not,” so she didn’t sign it. I got a little sad at this whole scene, but my mood was about to change drastically.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
